Look, dating as a Black woman is already a wild ride, but when you throw a Black man into the mix, you’d think we could catch a break, right? WRONG. Don’t be fooled—misogynoir can come at you from all angles, even from within the community. That’s right, just because he’s a Black man doesn’t mean he gets a free pass on treating Black women like queens. So, let’s talk about how to spot and avoid misogynoir before you waste any more time on Mr. Disrespectful.
Because sis, you deserve better than that!
1. He Calls You “Queen” But Treats You Like a Peasant
There’s nothing quite like a man who starts every text with “Hey Queen!” but can’t remember to bow or (more likely) show up for a date on time. Or worse, who “forgets” your birthday but somehow remembers to like every single Instagram model’s post. Hotepary is also a high risk so watch out. Nobody needs a Dr Umar level dating experience.
If the royal titles are heavy, but the actions don’t match, watch out. A real king wouldn’t leave his queen waiting, wondering, or feeling less than. Plus, if he can crown you, he can respect you.At least get treated like a princess if he’s not mature enough to do the queen thing. Bless these younguns.
2. He Loves Your Natural Hair… as Long as It’s Straightened
You step out with your twist-out poppin’, feeling yourself, and here he comes with, “I like your hair better when it’s straight.” Or he hits you with the, “Aren’t you going to sort out your hair?” Sir, what? Don’t you know what natural hair women go through? Does this man know how long we spent deep-conditioning, detangling, and twisting this crown? Or does he watch too much porn and think all hair needs to be tug-able?
A partner who appreciates you won’t just love you in one “acceptable” version of yourself. If he’s only hyped when your hair is giving Eurocentric vibes, we’ve got a problem. Hair is political, honey—and so is how he reacts to it. Don’t be down with his internalised self hate.
3. He Hits You with the “Strong Black Woman” Line
Ah, the classic. You’re upset, clearly need a shoulder to cry on, and instead of empathy, you get, “But you’re a strong Black woman, you got this!” Yeah, no. The only thing I “got” is a ticket to exit this relationship. God forbid you aren’t there soothing him with the woo woo woos like Synclaire in Living Single when his football team don’t win (again). I beg you stop dating relegation zone supporters. I digress.
Being labeled “strong” can sound like a compliment, but it’s really just code for “I’m not going to support you emotionally because you can handle it all on your own.” If he’s constantly expecting you to be his emotional Hulk while he gives zero back, then girl, let him smash… on his way out the door. You need someone who allows you to be vulnerable and not perpetuate a stereotype.
4. He Expects You to Play Therapist, Chef, and Mother
Listen, I’m all about being supportive in a relationship, but if your man is constantly looking for you to fix him like you’re Iyanla and this is some kind of televised intervention, we have a problem. And so many of them only want a relationship where a Black woman is there to lift them up until they’re ready to go onto pastures new. No reciprocity. Holla, we don’t want hobosexuals!
If every conversation turns into you being his unpaid therapist and his expectations of you lean heavy on old-school gender roles (cooking, cleaning, and coddling), then he’s serving you a cocktail of misogynoir with a side of emotional labor. Er, we’re on a date, not Dr. Phil!
5. He “Prefers” His Women Light-Skinned
Here’s where things get spicy. If he’s over here talking about how he “just prefers light-skinned girls” or praises you for “not being too dark,” you need to go ahead and moonwalk out of this relationship. The preference for light or white as shared with me by a musician is just so 80s it’s pathetic.
Colorism is the evil twin of misogynoir, and if he’s upholding that nonsense, he’s already telling you that he places a hierarchy on Black women’s beauty. A man who truly loves Black women? Loves ALL shades, textures, and features—not just the ones closest to whiteness.
6. He Dismisses Your Rants About Racism Like Misogynoir Doesn’t Exist
Picture this: you’ve just had the WORST day dealing with microaggressions at work, and you’re ready to rant to your man. Instead of getting support, though, he hits you with, “Why do you let stuff like that bother you? Just ignore it.” Oh, honey, no.
If your partner can’t listen to your frustrations and be there for you when the world is acting all kinds of crazy, that’s a major red flag. You’re not overreacting. If anything, he’s under-reacting—and under-supporting. And secretly saying that you deserve to be treated as less than. He needs to go!
7. He Thinks Feminism is a “White Woman’s Thing”
We all know that one guy who rolls his eyes when you mention feminism. “Isn’t that a white woman’s thing? Black women don’t need feminism!” First of all, no. Second of all, no.
Any man who doesn’t understand that Black women need protection from both racism and sexism is missing the whole point. Feminism isn’t about tearing down men, it’s about making sure we don’t end up with 10 different jobs and no credit for any of them. It’s about choosing the kind of woman you want to be and living your life with the same access to resources. If he can’t support you on that, then he’s got some growing to do—without you.
Final Thoughts:
I’ve noticed the resurgence of angry male voices on social media and the snide incel-ic comments are increasing under the guise of speaking their truth or some shit. BLM is no longer unifying us. Beware that this misogynoir doesn’t sneak attack you. Also watch out if he says that dating you is like dating a white woman and thinks you should take it as a compliment (true story).
Just because he’s Black doesn’t mean he’s automatically exempt from being checked on his misogynoir. It can sneak into the most unexpected places, including the very community that should have your back. But the good news? Once you spot the signs, you can dodge the nonsense and protect your peace.
Remember, queen, you deserve a partner who treats you like royalty through their actions, not just their words. Someone who celebrates your Blackness, your strength, your vulnerability—and does it without expecting a free therapy session in return.
So next time Mr. “Woke King” comes your way, make sure he’s walking the walk. If not? Wave your natural hair, straight hair, locs, bald hair or braids goodbye—because you’ve got places to be, and none of them involve settling for misogynoir.
Smooches (and yes I’ve been watching a lot of Living Single of late. Can you tell 😀 )
© Chelsea Black ®2024
