Dear Fixers, Do not fix them
I know I normally talk to the wastemen and fuckbois out there but what about those that date them. Let’s talk about a particular type: The fixers. Apart from Fix you being a rather annoying song by a rather annoying band it’s a very annoying dating habit. So I’ll keep this post simple . Dear Fixers, Do not fix them.
There are a number of reasons you should stop trying to fix those you date and we’ll go through them . I know some people don’t know how to date people as they are but, you need to try harder
Are they broken?
Most of us are damaged goods especially after 30 . We’ve been dented and bruised by relationships whether single or in a relationship. I get this but, are we truly broken? To be broken is to be so damaged that you need professional help, possibly medication to get back. Most people just take longer to trust and open up.
So if you think someone is really broken, probably best you leave them if you can’t accept them as being broken. Give them space to do the work themselves. I’ve dated too many guys who were on the wrong side of depression. You can’t fix that shit. I’m not saying don’t date people with mental health issues but, if it’s negatively affecting you and the relationship then you can’t think that you can fix it with a spreadsheet and a cheery disposition. Trust me, I’ve tried. You can fix it temporarily but eventually they need to fix themselves. .
Make sure that the person is not just weathered and experienced enough to be a cautious dater. Yes they may have some relationship habits they’ve gotten used to over the decades that may need to be addressed at some point but this isn’t fixed them.
Who made you God?
There is this delusion Fixers have that they are someone perfect and therefore can fix anyone out there. The first question is does this person truly want to be fixed and if they do, why should you be the fixer. You’re not Olivia Pope. You’re supposed to be dating them not building them up. All this talk of ride or die doesn’t work when you’re enabling someone. And, I know this will be hard to hear but, you’re not perfect. You may be in a better place in life but those who have real peace leave others in peace. You don’t have to mother everyone. Let God and the universe do It’s own work and stop being an 80s Rom Com cliché.
Between us, it’s much easier to fix someone else’s life than your own. Are you sure you’re not just projecting your own unhappiness onto someone else? Often times when you’re done fixing someone the relationship isn’t always better. E.g helping a partner lose weight. They have new found confidence and attention out there. Meanwhile it can bring out
Do they want your help?
Herein lies the rub. Most people may not be 100% happy with where their lives are at. They may even make noises about changing but the reality is that if they really wanted something they would be working towards it. They don’t need you. Fixers are the ones that need someone to fix. That messiah complex is strong in women in particular but I see it in men. It makes them feel needed.
I would also be concerned about a person who needed your help too early in a relationship. Seriously some people just walk around looking for Fixers to come sort them out. It’s lazy but if you both get something out of it then fine. But chances are you’re both going to need that initial fix buzz from someone else in the future.
Chances are he’ll resent and leave you
I’m a recovering Fixer. I don’t know what trait men saw in me but if he was broken he’d come to me for help. OK I’m a doer and a type A personality so I dive in with the helpful fixes. It starts off innocuously enough. A bit of coaching here or there. The odd loan to help get him over a work slump . Then it escalates and before you know if you’re looking up courses and jobs for him online. You’re sorting out his space because, he can’t face all the memories of his last relationship. Then you’re dragging him in from outside the house where he’s passed out drunk because he can’t make it in. You’re his Life Coach, not his girlfriend. And they always leave once you’re over the bad stage because there is shame in someone knowing how shitty it was at one stage.
Yes I believe in you and I know you can change this person and make him better but, at what cost?Chances are most people who go through a change won’t stay with the person who helped them change. There are too many emotions involved in it as they fall and get back up. They end up resenting the fact that you’re not just wowed by who they are now. You’re a constant reminder of how bad their lives may have been before.
So the rule of thumb? Do not fix them. Accept them as they are or just move on. Life and dating will be much simpler!
Chelsea Black ® © 2020