Beware the Hobosexual Part 1
As we face a new lockdown there is a new phenomemon of man that has emerged. The hobosexual.
Now, this could be a man or a woman but for some reason men seem more comfortable with this type of lifestyle. Women can do it, yes but most of the women I know seem to have a home of their own. I don’t move in gold digging or hobosexual circles though.
Let’s go through this growing trend so that you too can beware the hobosexual
Firstly a hobosexual is a man who dates for accommodation or to avoid being homeless. They’re basically homeless and have one form of collateral; their dicks. They are good at transitioning from one relationship to another with the pivotal aim of not becoming homeless.
He has no fixed abode and probably has stuff at his mum’s for storage whilst he bed jumps. He has a lot of suitcases and bags that he seems to know what’s in every one of them. This is not a new creature but, it’s on the rise. That furlough isn’t hitting London rent levels and besides, why should he support himself when there are women out there who will do it for him?
Ladies, please note that being a hobosexual doesn’t mean they’re necessarily good lovers. Most are great at persuasion and lyricing. Don’t confuse them with sex tourism afficianados from the Gambia and Caribbean who use their sweet words and hips for a visa. These ones are local and often lacking in decent moves.
8 signs of a hobosexual
- They never want to leave –Unless he has a job then mornings turn into days and they’re still there just hanging out like they don’t have a place to be. Most men have places to be.
- They talk about the future and mention your home in said plans – I had one tell me about what we could do with the spare room. I told him it was a very functional wardrobe / amazon delivery room thank you very much. What more could it be. Apparently a music room? This was coincidentally around the same time I stopped dating DJs.
- They seem to have an awfully big rucksack for someone who just came from work and didn’t go to the gym. Like, what’s in there! (Tip: Don’t ask and don’t look)
- He never invites you over to his place because he doesn’t have one and is probably staying with an ex, the mother of his child(ren), a current friends with benefits or his relatives. Watch for the auntie / cousin/ sibling / parent dropping into the conversation.
- If he tells you that his last ex was crazy according to them and chucked them out of their home for no good reason.
- They talk about having rooms with mates – how is this a thing in your 40s and 50s please? This isn’t an episode of Living Single or Friends
- The courtship starts with a love bomb hard and talking intensely about their wants and needs as they need to secure lodgings quickly.
- They don’t seem to understand how mortgages work and squint when you explain it to them
Why it sucks to be hobosexualised
The reason I’m so anti the hobosexual is that it’s a con man in disguise and they always pretend to be more in love to convince you to let them live with you. I mean, the lies they were tell and the intensity with which these lies are told. Some may admit to being in between homes but it’s always someone else’s fault. They are professional victims. I’m not one to deny someone a sob story or three but these ones will rinse and suck you dry (no pun). You are merely their next target and sadly they tend to go for women they deem to be a vulnerable and open to their charms. They’re narcassists with a desperate need for radiated heat and a fridge.
It goes back to consent and the need to choose the relationship you’re in. If you want to be a fixer and save someone then fine but you should do this without the false assumption that they will stay with you. Because most move on as soon as they can. You are a not a permanent home. There are those that you can’t get rid of too despite you wanting to get rid of them. It’s a messy headfuck and frustrating. I’ve had to chuck out two hobosexuals I wasn’t even fucking. It’s never easy but when they take unnecessarily long showers when you’re out jogging or diss your music tastes, they’ve got to go! Dude, go home!
© Chelsea Black® 2020 During the Covid Era