Shake my head – Condom burst

So the other day I was at one of those inspirational events when you realise that there are like-minded people who want to do more than watch TV every night and grab a photo with a celebrity. I was feeling great, I was looking better than usual (2-3 days of food poisoning does wonders for your silhouette) and I was drinking. This was a heady combination bound to bring me in results, no?

At the after party for the event where we were being a tad too self-congratulatory at changing the world in hours through discourse (also known as chatting crap for applause) I noticed a guy spot me and come across the room. I was relieved as I was having a dry conversation with a journalist about his heritage. There is only so far you can stretch the fact that he’s from Africa but has spent no time there. I mean I tried but he wasn’t having it. I think he was just pleased that he wasn’t sitting alone.

So this guy comes up from behind (never an encouraging start) and interrupts the conversation sending the shy guy scurrying to the exit. This was pure Alpha male. I straightened my back and looking him straight in the eye. I wasn’t going to be able to get away with anything here.  Was there time to order another drink? The man at the bar gave me a slow shake of the head. DRAT!

So the stats: He was well over 40, had a daughter he saw every Saturday (so I wasn’t to ever attempt to see him on a Saturday) and ……he was separated.  Not divorced but openly separated. Hmmmm

As you know my precious separated is one of my least favourite statuses so I wasn’t impressed. Surely at his age he would be able to afford a £10 divorce kit from WH Smith like the rest of us?

So he’s flirting hard and trying to tell me that normally he’s shy but when he sees something he likes he goes for it. I couldn’t believe that this guy was trying to run game on me. But I put on my innocent girl look and asked the questions I wanted to know.  At one point he mentioned marriage and I almost spat out my Kir Royale ( a new drink for me and I’m not going to lie, not my favourite).  He tried to stare deeply into my eyes and hold my hand but I was giggling too hard at his Nigistence. Seriously this guy was something else but I was laughing and bantering away.  I think that despite it all his Oxbridge education gave him the edge over the usual chancer but only just.  He was a hunter.  I was aware that as the prey I had to make a decision on whether or not to indulge him in the chase.

As the night was nearing the end we had exchanged numbers. I refused to tell him the name of my blog because by then I was certain I would be writing about him and he asked me out for dinner the following week. I was about to leave and he asked me where I lived and he said he would love to see my dungeon in the Chelsea Hood. I said I don’t accept visitors at the dungeon to which he burst out. “I have condoms.”

Wow. I told him that so did I but that he was never going to see them. I shook my head sadly and I think in that moment his highly educated self knew that he had blown it! So despite a couple of half arsed text messages I’ve not heard from him since. Maybe he went home and blamed it on the alcohol but I was thinking thank goodness he revealed his intentions so soon. I don’t assume any man wants anything other than sex but I love it when they mess up so dramatically.

I wonder where shy guy got to? He’s looking better already.

©Chelsea Black


  1. Oh wow what a dickhead! He should have at least kept up the pretence for a bit longer. Glad you are back.

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