Condoms rock


I feel like I’ve said this before, but a recent conversation reminded me that men and women don’t view condoms in the same way at all. Condoms are an important part of sex. Please, can you guys work harder at getting it right? This is your one responsibility. Most single women have accepted that you aren’t responsible for our orgasms so you’re off the hook there. Just keep us safe?

Now it’s just assumed for many that condoms are an STD and pregnancy prevention method but, consider for a moment your partner and her comfort. You need to be thinking beyond being the typical last minute fuck or drunken dial. We are too ripened to be taking risks with people’s health.

Size

Invest in a few different ones and see which ones fit you properly and you can come in comfortably. There are very few blessed people who can’t fit into the high street ones but if you are one of these guys then a) call me (just kidding. I’m a retired size queen) and b) go online and find your condom. I know that it’s not easy but all of that measuring when you were a teenage will pay off. Consider curve and girth now just length. You may find that some work better in certain positions. So, great from behind but not so great when she’s cowgirling? Right size is everything!

Spermicide

Ok so spermicides are a massive part of the pleasure. If it’s stings then it’s got to go. We all know you’re not porn starring hard enough to blame your rough sex technique entirely. So ask your partners what spermicides they like. Some are too abrasive and drying. Having your own (non oil based) lube is essential if you insist on using these brands. Trust me if she’s not suitably wet then you’re more likely to have a split condom and the worry of pregnancy or disease. I’m a big fan of silicon based lubes and Trojan condoms. If you’re keeping it strictly UK brands then Skins or Mates are less stinging.

Safe

Flavoured and novelty condoms like the gold coin or a xmas one (don’t ask) are not for use during casual sex. Ever. Let’s keep this safe please. Accidents are more likely to happen. Stick to the 3 or 12 in a box ones and not the ones you got at the bachelor party in 2015. Oh yeah, check dates and lubricity beforehand. Like milk if it smells or looks off then it’s off. Throw it. You can afford a new box Fam.

I realise for many men that modern times mean that monogamy is out. I know you think that having sex with more than one woman is no longer high risk but to me it’s like bathing in someone’s bathwater after them. I need to know that tub has been thoroughly cleaned. Don’t you want that for yourself?  Don’t you want to feel clean?

Side note as a woman I don’t want your dick in me when it’s been in dirty bathwater.  Yes, I do judge you on the women you’re sleeping with because your tastes tell me if you’re worthy of engaging. Stop bringing bad energy and bacteria to my door. I am not one of your mediocre women. Monogamy keeps us both safer than any condom can.  (Ignores the abstinence argument for the time being)  

Surface

I know a condomless dick isn’t smoothed and that we were sold on ridged in the 90s but that is not something we are still doing now. Ridged is lazy. Please, let’s move on from this college level of condom. Just buy toys and put a condom on said toys if you must. But ridged? Nah!

Happy fucking!

© Chelsea Black 2019

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups