My Eharmony Sunday

My Eharmony Sunday -a mizzadventure

As outlined in Are Dating Apps Whack and it’s update, I made the mad January decision of putting myself back out there in dating app hell. This time I decided to limit my exposure and only joined a couple as I can’t be dealing with the onslaught of the same guys swiping but never talking to you or, worse, trying to figure out if you’re up for hosting a fuckfest. No, the walls are thin. And I don’t know you or have lateral flow tests to waste on what is likely to be a mediocre hook up. I digress


I registered with eharmony before years ago and I figured it was time to do it again. It wasn’t their fault that they only had 2 Black men on there back in the day. You can’t select on race unless you buy a premium membership for £300 or so quid a year on offer. I tried to buy it but it wouldn’t accept my paypal or card details. I took it as a sign that I wouldn’t be around that long. I couldn’t see photos either so I just hoped nobody was overly tanned under the pixelated profile picture.

Age ain’t nothing but a lie

This time again I wasted nonsense minutes on their site filling in my lengthy psychometric profile before they told me about myself and they that they could match me with men up to 20 years older than me who wanted to meet me. Whoopie doo!

I asked them to change my age as clearly men wanted women much younger and I wanted someone my age. To be fair to Eharmony they did change it as I explained that as I wasn’t ready to talk to men who were retired because it’s hard to get a job post Brexit and post furlough in your early 50s so they’re now retired. A whole retired and we have nothing to talk about. Both of my parents still work!

The message though

So here I am, trying to move on from the granddad weekend of men who weren’t able to hide over 50 years of self-neglect and despair underneath the pixelated photo. Whatevers, I have a sugar habit. No judgement. And every once in a while I get an email from eharmony telling me that someone wants to chat to me. I’ve been ignoring them as #workwoes.

At first they sent me encouraging messages that were bright and cheery but the last one was getting a little too pointed? Eharmony are all.

“Chelsea, It’s time to open your heart, you have a new contact request. “


I feel attacked as my heart is open but, I go into my messages and it’s a white, 57-year-old doctor from somewhere in West Devon. I had to look it up. It looks disserted.  I’ve stated  on my profile that Black men, London and South East. Also, how can I tell Eharmony that I’m not here to be the cautionary tale to other single women who find themselves in the back of beyond on a date with someone who knows how to kill you without trace? I’ve watched enough Law & Order SVU!

Thank you and goodnight

I figured out that on all of these apps you can make your profile invisible and inactive. That’s what I’ve done as to actually delete your account seems to take about 5 different actions at once. Jeez, like big pharma these apps never REALLY want you to meet someone and leave them. They’re just managing our singirldom, not curing it.

On that note, happy pre valentine’s day!

© Chelsea Black® 2022