The Premise

So there is a new dating show on Channel 4 called Five Guys a Week. I’m not going to lie but I would see this as a direct response to Love is Blind if it was more dramatic? But alas, it’s British (see my views on British dating shows from my Married at First Sight blog)

So you get a single woman with a house large enough to host 5 guys for a week. Initial thoughts though are that these lot are older and there’s too much insecure testosterone in the room. 5 men in your house means you have to have a house of a certain size so, it precludes women on certain incomes / assets.

I’m already clear that I could never do this. Yes because my flat is too small for those secret videos of what you really think of them. Also I don’t like dating competitions like dick is a resource we are all meant to chase. Or in this case the woman is the prize. And how did they all fancy her? She was lovely but not everyone’s cuppa, surely?

Each day you let a guy down until you’re down to the final two. It’s awkward as the guys actually spend more time with each other than they do the woman they’re going to date. Winding and trying to psyche each other out whilst stealing moments with Amy. Wanna cup of tea?

Wait! Who is Amy you ask? This week’s prize is single mum Amy from St. Albans, 34 who knows herself now and greets:

Christian, 37, an international banker

Glen, 38, a Local Government Consultant with 4 kids

Scott, 30, singer song writer

Michael, 42, a stuntman

Tristan, 33, Surfing Coach

I’m going to be honest, it was clear from jump that a couple of them weren’t going to make it. The anxiety, the small talk etc. It was hard to watch. Sidenote – why did Michael tell a whole story about being a storm trooper and people having to pee in their costumes. Weird!

The Problem is…

I struggle with British dating shows at the best of times. Usians believe their hype and marketing so a show like Love is Blind works over there. This feels so ..I dunno. I’ve not even got to the first advert break and I’m already pausing it because I’m partially bored and partially unable to watch people embarrass themselves on TV .

So then Amy asks why everyone is single

Michael says he’s looking for a connection and someone like Amy basically. He’s the eldest but we never hear more about Michael than his job.

Glen drops the bomb that his high school sweetheart cheated on him with a 19 year old after 18 years of marriage. I mean, that’s a lot to drop on the group and their reactions aren’t the warm hug he’d hoped for methinks?

Scott wants to be like his parents and bursts into tears whilst trying to express himself.. He’s only 30 but dear god, reel it in mate! I guess it’s his sensitive, creative side but later we find out he used to be an assistant bank manager.

Finally Banker Chris decides to break up the deepness with some thoughts on cheesecake. Apparently, New York is the best but blueberry is ok. I mean, thank goodness Christian was there otherwise we may have ended up at a group counselling show.

So then she gets rid of the cutest one first because he’s shy and not sure how to engage? I was already of the mind that Amy was going to go for someone else who she said was a try hard but didn’t want to appear prejudice by getting rid of the black guy first.

In Da Club

Then there’s the cringeworthy club scene where they are doing something that they call dancing. It reminded me of a school disco but with uncles and their not yet quite drunk dates at weddings. I had to look away. I thought I was safe but then there was the snogging, cringey guitar playing and getting rid of another one.

Before the next round one of the dudes excludes himself from the process and he had to give him his props, he read the writing on the wall

Then Comes Mum

The next day and it’s dinner with Mum. Mum asks them if they’re good in bed and, they seem to struggle with this question. Isn’t the answer always yes? If not should you even be dating? I don’t think British men are sexually confident which is worrying. Mum also asks about financial stability and I’m like, THANK YOU MUM. Nobody wants to be broke from the beginning. I think whittling them down from 3 to2 became easier.

The last dinner is super uncomfortable with the guys taking jabs at each other. Did she choose the right person? I dunno. She chose the person who wanted it more maybe?  

Would I watch it again?

Quite honestly I don’t know if I could watch this again? It didn’t hit the right note. Why was she snogging one of them mid-week in front of the other 4? OK for them it was a Saturday but it was midweek for us.  It all feels desperate and needy. Emotions amongst the guys were also running high and you realise just how insecure men are in the dating space. I would have liked to hear more from the guys who exited early as in how they felt about the other guys. It ended up being a war of the egos in the end (not going to spoiler it for those of you who are yet to watch it) and you get the impression she knew from jump who she was going to choose?

I’m lying. I will watch it again because I love to have something to bitch about and Celebs go dating is going to be over soon.

© Chelsea Black 2020