Date at Pace not Haste – Dating styles
What’s Pace not Haste in terms of dating? We’ve talked about the pace of dating under the pandemic and it’s clear to me that some people don’t even know what their dating pace is? From Love Bombers to Wastemen and those who go ghost, everyone has a dating pace but, the key is to date at pace, not haste.
What’s your Dating Pace ?
So the first thing to ask yourself some tough self questions.
- Do you think you could meet and marry someone within a year, two years, 5 years, a decade?
- Do you believe in long engagements?
- How long do your relationships typically last? Dates, weeks, months, years?
- How soon is too soon to move in with someone?
- Is your dating style hot and heavy then poof, nada or are you a slow friends to lovers type person?
Oh those weren’t so tough. My style of dating is so efficient that I rarely last years unless it’s long distance. Assuming we get passed the first date then, within 4 months I’m generally done. Men probably think it’s hasty but I just don’t waste time. I’m not looking to get you to the altar but I can quickly tell if you’re a time waster or not looking for the same thing. Simples, right?
Burn Baby Burn
So lots love to go in heavy and before you know it they’re out left wondering why it didn’t work out. They speed date quite literally and never really get under the hood of the car. That’s way too many mixed analogies. Forgive me.
Here’s the thing if you are superficial then the chances are you are a Crash and Burner. They look lovely but there’s rarely anything under the hood. They love to talk about the passion and instant chemistry they felt for each other. It’s always so hot and heavy. How can you tell a Crash and Burner? They tend to have a physical type which is objectification personified. Like that black woman on 5 guys a week who only dated gingers. That’s highly specific. They also ignore every single red flay until they’re burned. They’re the friend that comes over to console themselves talking about, ‘how was I to know he was married already?’ The fact that he only ever saw you during the week and never answered his phone after work. Never ignore the signs
Tick tick tick – Pace not haste
Kind of like the crash and burners there is an impatience to the listers who thing they have figured out the secret to dating success. Nah, you’re just REALLY controlling and probably insecure. Chances are you won’t get very far because nobody can live up to an artificial list you created and forgot to share with them. Why should they? Get out of your own way.
So here’s the thing, whilst most of us have been one in the dating war for years now that doesn’t mean we can judge EVERYTHING based on stats. Age, height, job, where they live all of that is really not telling you anything about the person. Delve deeper. What are they like around children and animals. Can they think about you when you’re not there offering your body. What’s his relationship like with his family and most importantly, is he kind, confident, fun? That’s really it. You are not the Dating Detective.
The Wounded Solider Pace
Ok so your ex was a dick. I’m so sorry. Can we stop being cautious now because I’m not her and I don’t know why she did the bad thing that she did but, I can’t with al the hesitation. I just wanted a decent shag and not to be your rebound. Sound familiar?
The wounded soldier has typical PTSD signs so they will disappear and blame it on that last relationship that they’re still not over. Most don’t want to get over it because there is some solace in being the victim. So they will be painful to date and the stop and start will drive you bonkers. Most have only been hurt once unlike the ever optimistic Crash and Burners.
He Ain’t Heavy
Baggage carrying slows you down. I don’t give a fuck what you need to do to get rid of it but, do it before you reenter the dating space. Baggage to me is not about children. Baggage is the relationships you haven’t resolved or mourned so the rest of us have to live through them too. Don’t get on with a parent Cool. But we can’t sit through the childhood years every time we meet. Same with exes. I’m sorry she was a bitch to you and left you for a life but, I don’t think we should still be talking about this 7 years on whilst you work though it, do you?
Friends to lovers
Again with the Friendzone you ask? No this is rather different. Some love to do the audition dance with their friends where they fuck buddy and they determine if they’re relationship material. This is a high risk high reward strategy and not for the feint of hearts
Others like to do the friends dance for years. Let’s be clear: you are not friends if you haven’t openly discussed the attraction one or both of have for the other. A fundamental of friendship is that you’re honest and there is a dishonesty in not being open about your feelings. That being said some people love to put people in the back up zone until they’ve sorted.
Does Age Matter?
Yes, age does matter. Dating maturity is a thing and your pace can change. When we are younger we tend to be crash and burners. As we get older we learn to know what we want and read the signs early on so can cut out a lot of the time wasting antics of the others but, may have more baggage. Again it’s dating pace not haste. This is why it isn’t good to have a list because everyone is different. The trick is to recognise their pace and style before you end up being another disappointed dater.
Good luck out there. Stay safe and remember that it’s all about dating pace not haste!
© Chelsea Black 2020 (Era of the Rona)
