BlYou know it’s a one night stand when… : Babes, let’s talk. Not every situationship is a situationship. Sometimes it’s not even a fling. Sometimes… it’s just a one night stand. And no, there’s no shame in that. What is shameful is trying to stretch that Poundland encounter into a Waitrose romance.
Let’s stop playing. If it walks like a one night stand, texts like a one night stand (or doesn’t text at all), and smells like cheap cologne and broken promises? It’s a one night stand, sis.
Here are 6 red flags – or glitter flags, because they often come wrapped in good lighting and rum – that let you know this is not the beginning of a love story. This is Netflix: Are you still watching? energy.
1. You’re both drunk
If your first conversation was slurred over a sticky bar counter, and you still don’t know their surname, guess what? That’s not bae. That’s your late-night scratch-an-itch partner. Alcohol is a vibe killer and a truth serum. If you haven’t had a sober conversation by now, this man doesn’t even know the sober version of you. And you don’t know if he’s funny or just funny-looking once the tequila wears off.
Don’t confuse a mutual thirst trap with divine timing. It was a night. That’s it.
2. One of you is drunk, the other is sober
Now this? This is murky. Because someone made a choice while the other made a mistake. If he was sober and you were tipsy, or vice versa, power dynamics come into play. And the vibes? OFF.
If one of you has to piece the night together like it’s an episode of CSI: Clapham, please don’t call it chemistry. It’s not. It’s just awkward consent and bad judgment. Let it go.
3. When the ghosting and submarining are getting embarrassing
We’ve all been there. You send a cheeky “Hey stranger 👀” and they reply two weeks later like they weren’t just haunting your IG stories.
Babe. It’s not ghosting anymore. It’s a haunting. You’re not a person to him, you’re a nostalgic memory he scrolls past when his main chick is annoying him.
Submarining is that thing they do when they pop back up acting brand new. “Hey you! Been thinking about you…” LIE. You weren’t thinking about me, you were thinking about how lazy you are and how I made it easy last time.
If your chats are more sporadic than your cycle, that’s not someone who’s into you. That’s someone revisiting their hits like an old school R&B artist who can’t let go of 2002.
4. When the sex is bad
Bad sex is many things. Teeth. Elbows. That awkward moment when he says, “Did you come?” and you’re like, “Did you start?”
If the performance was giving GCSE drama and not West End premium, don’t hold onto the hope of a second round. Bad sex is a love blocker. It makes you irrationally angry. You’ll be staring at him like, “You really pulled my wig for this?”
Sometimes, it’s just not a match. And that’s okay. Not every beat gets a remix.
5. When the sex is mediocre
Mediocre is worse than bad. Bad sex you can laugh about. It’s tragic, but memorable. Mediocre? It’s forgettable. You find yourself texting your friends like, “It was…fine.” Sis. Fine is how you describe a ham sandwich, not a man who’s seen you naked.
You might lie to yourself and think, “Maybe it’ll get better?” But if this is his debut, and it didn’t bang? That’s the pilot episode. And the show is already getting cancelled.
Mediocre sex doesn’t magically become fireworks. It becomes a 3am regret.
6. When the sex is weird
Weird sex isn’t kinky. Let’s be clear. Kinky involves consent and communication. Weird is when he takes off his socks but leaves his hat on. Or when he says “Say my name” but then moans his own. Or when he cries after. Bless, or during.
If you’re lying there wondering, “Am I on Black Mirror?” – yeah. That’s a one night stand, darling.
Weird sex is fine once. A moment. A story to file under “Never again but also… lol.” But don’t build a situationship on strange vibes. You’ll end up in therapy wondering why you dated a man who wanted to roleplay as a tax auditor in bed.
Final thoughts
Not every experience is meant to turn into a connection. Sometimes, he was just for that night. Not tomorrow. Not Sunday brunch. Just then.
And that’s OK. What’s not OK is catching feelings off the back of 3 Hennessys, 2 condoms, and one man who didn’t even stay for juice.
So sis, sip your water, adjust your crown, and stop romanticising the one night stand. Archive the chat and the shame. Let him live in the land of expired flings and forgotten playlists.
We move.
Still stuck in the ‘what are we?’ phase with someone who’s clearly just a time-waster?
You need to read: “When He Doesn’t Like You That Much — and Other Fairy Tales”
Spoiler alert: If you’re confused, he’s not.
© Chelsea Black ® 2025