Yeah baby, right there

A-Sexy B is for Blowjobs part II.

So you’re into oral sex? Not necessarily giving but receiving? Giving, that’s a whole other letter. We’ll get to that. (Why not? Why NOT!)

It isn’t always easy to convince a woman of the joys of oral sex for you. Sometimes I think it’s easier to convince a drunken one night stand as  chances are both of you have realised that you are never going to see each other again so you may as well have a go. Besides she lives too far, is not so secretly looking for a Daddy for Tameequa or Bobby Brown Junior and the beer has started to wear off. No problem. Get a BJ and call it a night well done.

But if you are looking to get regular BJs there are a few things you could do to make the experience more appealing. Please don’t beg. That’s never a good look. (see ‘he brothers’ movie for what not to do if you are stuck in a BJ-less marriage)

Diet

So last year I went out with a non-caffeine drinking vegetarian for a few weeks. Ok he was a lapsed 7^th Day Adventist. You got it out of me. He came round and as it was technically only date 2 and I was on some weird mission not to shag him before date 3 (I’m over this mission. Ladies best you know early what you’re working with) I said we could make out but that was it. And so we did for a while on my sofa until it was time for him to go. But, being a conscientious host I felt bad sending him back to North London without satisfaction and so I knelt down and finished him off.

We were both surprised. Him by my supposed generosity and me by the taste. So there WAS a huge difference between those with a good diet and those without. If this was what vegetarianism offered then sign me up!. But, by the next morning I made myself some bacon and eggs and was totally over it any thoughts of converting myself. That said diet is a magical thing. 5 a day lads.

Drink

Alcohol is not a good taste. This includes caffeinated drinks like redbull and other energy drinks. I don’t know what it does to the spunk but it makes even the most ardent of swallowers want to spit. The other thing is that it’s very dehydrating creating that cottage cheese spunk effect that is repulsive to us all. Show me a girl who hates giving BJs and I’ll show you a woman who has been faced with this delightful mouthful of crap. And this includes no coffee in the morning. Sorry but you will find something else to make you human.

So the trick is to hydrate a few hours in advance of sex. They say water of course but also juices such as pineapples with a drop of celery are great for taste. Drink up my lovelies and don’t spill a drop. You would be mad if we did, right?

Drawers

I’ve seen some ugly underwear in my time but the worst are those lycra /spandex numbers that are meant to look like Calvin Kleins but are really not. Please go out there and get well fitting, looser cotton boxers which will reduce the sweat / musk effect. The best ones I’ve found were airtex ones for runners at Calvin Kleins. I bought them for a couple of the exes and they always came back asking for more. Of the underwear not of me 😉 Let the boys breathe.

Directions

So here’s the thing. We know you know how you like it. That one woman 20 years older than you or that freaky chick with the church girl look taught you how. But we don’t know. Give us time to learn. Do not, under any circumstances resort to the head guide. This is tantamount to slapping a girl in the face. Learn to communicate! Don’t wait ‘til her lack lustre performance is over then moan that she didn’t even lick the balls. Chances are she was avoiding the musk centre for her own survival.  No my lovelies this is a hands free zone.

You may however guide with your hips but not to the point where you are butting her head with them. Have some decorum. (pauses to rub my head in recollection)

Demonstration

I had to sack a FB last year. He was getting too aggressive with the BJs despite me giving the international sign of distress i.e flailing arms, tears in my eyes and gagging. But he didn’t care. He was out to punish me. I think it was because I wouldn’t actually date him cos he was an arse (hope you’re reading this you arse). So I went into my chest of goodies and pulled out 3 vibrators of varying sizes and presented them to him. I asked him to pick one and of course he chose the smallest one. The purple one. I asked him to open wide and I was going to demonstrate on him what he was doing to me. We argued as he claimed not to be gay and I tried to explain sucking on silicone wasn’t going to damage his reputation or put his sexuality to question.  He left soon after never to beckon on my doors again. Don’t let women get to this point dudes. It’s never going to end well. (if you are still reading, I see your missed calls. I ignore them)

Purple vibrator is now my favourite.

Danke schön

Always thank someone for going down on you. It’s not always pleasurable and you want to demonstrate that you appreciate the effort. Wait a few days before giving pointers. No one wants to know that they’re not doing anything right. We women have fragile egos too!

Douche

The shower is your friend. I know it’s a mood killer but you can always shower together if you’ve had a particularly long day. Oh and whilst we are on it there’s  nothing wrong with a little trim and shave guys. If it helps it’s supposed to make it look bigger. Just saying, it can be a jungle down there. Sometimes you wonder why we keep from going under? That’s why!

Enjoy the blows!

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy