Top 10 LIES

1. We are divorced but…..still live together and shag or what’s a decree nisi / absolute?

The married guys who don’t quite understand that divorce is a finite process not something you can slip in and out of as easily as taking off the ring. One guy told me he was divorced and then didn’t know what a decree nisi was. Strange divorce. Another guy’s wife was simple out of the country with the kids. Men will say anything to get their leg over.

2. Wife? What wife?

Apparently the term wife is also one that slips in and out of their consciousness. It isn’t sticky. When I say wife I mean the wife that has you down on her status update as her husband fool! Yes the woman who thinks you are on a business trip working hard to support her and little Timmy when really you are exploring the crevices of women all over London and the South East (has a car will travel)

3. The thing is my mum lives with me. I don’t live with my mum!

Semantics are a wonderful thing. It’s rude to ask whose name is one the deed but apparently there are a lot of men out there who generously have bought their parents old place but only have one room in the house whilst their mother still has the same décor and plastic sofa covers from 1982. She does all the cooking, cleaning and bossing around whilst you cower in your spider man duvet on your single bed. I don’t buy it.

4. My kids deleted your number

Somehow a lot of  kids make sure that they play up an hour before he is meant to do anything with you rendering him late / missing . Men that blame anything on their kids are abhorrent to me. It’s the worst sort of cowardice and indicative of someone who would lie at work about a relative dying. How mant grandparents have you got dude?

5. I don’t know what happened. Normally I last for hours

The premature ejaculation disclaimer. Being generous we all give them a second chance but sometimes this is worse than the first. Worse they sometimes try to make out that their coming is your fault. How?

6. Sweetheart, when I get home I’m going to rock your world

The confident cocky bar or club one night stand pick up. Please note that this is often followed by number 5.

7. The thing is that I DO want a relationship but I need space to figure out what I want

Their profile was very clear. They ticked marriage or relationship. But then they come out with this one. So then you don’t know what you want and you want to keep F*cking until you meet that someone you actually want to date? Understood.

8. No that wasn’t my girlfriend that was my cousin

I know as Africans we have a lot of cousins who aren’t really blood related. But please, I beg let’s not make as if these cousins are snogging cousins. They are more like cousins we beat up and fight over the last bit of chicken. Let the lies stop!

9. I’ll call you.

This seems to be the most arduous task known to some men. Somehow when faced with calling when they say they will they are paralysed into finding 25 other more important things to do and therefore rendering you unimportant.

Try not saying this if you don’t mean it. Best you play dead and disappear instead of responding when she calls you. At least be consistent in your indifference.

10. I lost /forgot it

This usually relates to anything of importance such as a wallet or a phone when really it’s their ability to think quickly on their feet.

Never claim to have lost someone’s number. In this age of twitter and facebook this won’t wash. And a guy who forgets his wallet? I know it’s a recession so just say no to the expensive restaurant. Don’t come along and order a 3 course meal then ‘discover’ your wallet is missing.  I assumed he would go home and immediately paypal his share.  But no 2 months later I’m still waiting.

Have a great sunny Saturday!

© Chelsea Black