Dating whilst black  

How do you create a loving, safe environment when the world is against you?. Despite attempts by celebrities and successful people you can’t buy your way out of blackness. You also can’t erase decades of self hate with a few slogans and t-shirts. Being black is something you learn to love and embrace despite the way the world depicts it. I watched a movie the other day where the man said that falling in love with someone that looked like him meant that he could finally fall in love with himself. That hit deep.

And these are the people we are meeting out here whilst trying to date.  I will only date black because that is home to me. Is it easy? No. They carry a lot of societal baggage which plays out in a number of ways. Let me clear; nobody is here for emotional, sexual, physical or mental abuse. These are never acceptable but, do I see our people staying longer than they should as they’re more likely to understand the roots of their issues? Yes.  There are behaviours and traits that we shrug off because we know the other person doesn’t necessarily have the experience to act out in other ways. Also economically we accept a lot less stability as not everyone had the same education privileges.

The search for a safe home means we may take risks that seem less viable. We have fewer options in the diaspora. Our dating currency is deemed lower and yet the struggle continues. Whilst statistically it may make sense to date outside of our race many do not. The preference argument is moot. There is a socio-political drive to dating and sex we can’t ignore.

Moving Forward

My call is simply one of introspection and expression for all of those out there dating right now and in a post covid future. Don’t carry your burden into the relationship for someone else to heal.  Do the work to identify the long term damage racism has had on your psyche and your relationships. Look at how you can address the hurt without it spilling into the relationship you have with your children or potential partners. Take breaks if you’re not in the mention space to give or accept life. Don’t be a headfuck. Take responsibility for your feelings and how you project those onto others.

 But also protest. Protest loudly, proudly. Whether you be a keyboard warrior , a social activist, a creative, a protestor. Don’t hold in your pain and hurt. Let it out as your mental health is critical especially now.  We hear you even if we can’t ‘fix’ this . There is no fix. Just a loyal, safe place in which you can be somewhat free.

© Chelsea Black 2020