Why cheating still sucks.
As I was faffing around the other day I took an attachment style quiz and figured out that my attachment style was secure. No surprises there. Some of the questions were about trust and anticipating the actions of your partner. To be clear, I’ve never, ever gone into a relationship thinking someone was going to cheat on me. Open relationships, yes but, when we are a something do I anticipate you are going to cheat? Why would you cheat? Aren’t you grown up enough to just bow out?
Every time I’ve been cheated on I’ve been surprised. No I’ve been actually shocked at the brazenness of said penis. I am the type that jumps back in amazement and clutches my pearls. Then I want to know the details. How did you sustain your faithful façade when you were leading such a duplicitous existence? (Geminis are exempted from this as you’re already two people). So here I am pondering the whys and why nots of cheating.
Terms of the relationship
Let’s be clear that this isn’t cheating as open relationships are just a way of saying we are entangled but nah, not that deep innit. These aren’t for everyone. I’ve been in a couple and dudes can’t cope with knowing someone else is also with you. They get all up in their feelings and start trying to cock block at an extraordinary rate. So I just don’t see how they can work if his penis is jealous. This is nearly always the case when they’ve suggested the open relationship. Me I can separate the two + dicks easily.
That said, do you want to know who else he’s shagging or just that he’s shagging elsewhere? Proceed with caution and be clear that if you can’t deal then you’re going to have to renegotiate the terms of your relationship. Now, onto cheating.
Cheaters will always cheat
Cheaters are a common type of person who think that lying either directly or by omission is justified by their needs.
Here’s the thing: Cheaters will always cheat. Mainly because morally they don’t FEEL that it’s wrong. They know it’s wrong but on a sociopathic level they don’t care. This narrative of , ‘well if he or she has an affair you’re both to blame’ is a nonsense. Er, nah. If there is something not working whether physically or emotionally then dragging in another penis or vagina into the mix isn’t fixing it. It’s lazy and disrespectful. Speaking of which ..
They think you’re stupid
This person doesn’t respect you because they think they won’t get caught. I’ve had people tell me that ‘at least he cheated discreetly.’ So what, he was still dipping his dick elsewhere and coming back with all that other energy into your body. And he removed your consent. Your choice to choose an open relationship.
I don’t know if you should ever be with someone who thinks they’re that much smarter than you that they can lie and you’ll never find out. Someone who thinks you’re so stupid that you won’t realise the absences or the reduced money in the account or all the other cheating clues that I won’t list as I don’t want to make some of you better cheaters.
They’re fundamentally selfish
The purpose of a relationship is to ensure that both people’s needs are being met. My need to control my body and health are pivotal to me and my mental health. So the shock when I found out that an ex had been cheating with prostitutes without condoms or that another was side chicking me whilst his main chick lived 200 miles away isn’t going to wash. Then they act hurt when they’re caught like how dare you berate them for being cheats. They gaslight and become the victim who is so torn with their own actions and angst that they need space to figure it out. It’s just who they are.
Fuck that shit. Grow up and learn that cheating is basically a means of having control over someone else’s body and emotions without their knowledge or consent. It stems from a deep narcissistic insecurity which makes they think you will run out of people to fuck if you stay monogamous for ever.
Can you get over cheating?
I get asked this a lot and the short answer is that yes, you can get over a cheating experience if you trust that the person has recognised that they won’t get away with it again. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still a cheater. They’re just a cheater in recovery. One day at a time with a high chance of relapses. Rebuilding that trust isn’t easy and most can’t make it because finding out that they were cheating on is so bloody traumatic. It shakes your self belief in your own intuition. It fucking sucks.
And to all the cheaters out there, you’re not smarter or more evolved. You’re just someone who can’t communicate their wants properly so consumes themselves in trickery to get what their genital organs want. It’s stupid. But, enjoy!
© Chelsea Black® 2020