The Wifey Slap

So we were talking for ages. People started to move away and leave us as we found each other in conversation. Yes there was quite a bit of alcohol involved but then, when isn’t there when you consider chocolate and champagne to be food groups?

There is a point when you get that feeling, deep, deep in your stomach and you think…I like him. Just a little bit more than I do chocolate fingers. I looked at his chocolate fingers and thought….yes this could work. then he turns to me, gazes deeply into my mascara smudged eyes (it was 3am) and says, “I’m really into your friend. She is so wifey. What do you think my chances are?”

[Scratch record sound]

Hold up! Why is this man engaging me if he wants my friend? Does he think to gather intel before making his move? I told him straight, looks can be deceptive but like so many men before him he isn’t the first to have fallen for a slightly more demure look and a quieter presence. I looked down at my bright pink bunny suit, the ears now slight askew after hours on heels that I could no longer walk on and thought, yeah I get it. She is wifey I’m more …  party girl.

Wifey is an awful 90s term that men use to differentiate between women they would actually date and potentially make their wife and those that they want to sleep with. The old Madonna vs whore dichotomy urbanised and brought into modern times. If you are deemed wifey then you cannot climb down from this pedestal as it is a bitter climb back up. Luckily I was a wife but apparently never a wifey so I’m assuming that the only way is up? Or down depending on whether you think being a wifey is a good thing. But apparently men have strict perceptions of the two types of women they meet.

Another guy I met at an event I organised invited me out for drinks and then grilled me about my cute friend. I asked him why he hadn’t asked her all of these questions at the event and he seemed perplexed by the notion. Surely that was my role as host to give him the information he needed to make a move? On the way home I texted her and told her that I had spent a bad evening in a bar talking about her with the guy. She couldn’t even remember him but I felt sure they wouldn’t be meeting any time soon.

But then I think about job interviews. How many of us actually listen to what the candidates say? Few of them have an original answer to a question. Instead I sit there and think, why did she think to wear a beige shirt with that suit? Doesn’t she realise that it’s making her look like a washed out granny with no personality?

Now I’m not trying to defend the male mind but as we know it is 2 dimensional at best and visual. We women look beyond and see the woman behind the 4 hours in the salon. They see….what they want us to see. And so I have to think about what it is that they see when they see me. I am constantly out and about, if there is a hot pants opportunity I take it and ….I’m built for breeding which men see as a sex opportunity. It’s in the hips. I want them to see the mind, the heart, the loyal partner but alas there isn’t an outfit for that in my size. I just checked on Etsy. So yes say insensitive things and I bleed more than just body glitter (adds to shopping list.)

I was about to cancel my new cat woman (with whip) fancy dress purchase but then I got to thinking about all of my single friends and to be honest whilst some may seem more wifey in appearance and actions they are just as single so it’s not just a question of appearance, right? and know this my precious, us party girls make the best hosts as we can read people and situations.Gold dust for the ambitious man.

So all I can do is be me and hope that FuBo sees beyond the fishnets and sashay to the woman inside. If he can’t then chances are I won’t Husband him as I can’t be with someone who thinks demure and trophy is the perfect woman.

P.S. If you have wifey aspirations hide the sex box, clean all the porn from your computers and make sure everything you wear is flattering and sexy but would be sneared at by strippers and video hoes as being too boring.

Happy Dating!

©Chelsea Black


  1. Great post! I despise the term “wifey” but more for the fact it doesn’t actually mean anything. It is usually given to women by men trying to appease them, for the fact they aren’t marrying them. Wifey sounds like something an 18 year boy would say, I could never take a man seriously if he called me that.

    I get what you mean about men who speak to you for ages, and then you realise they are infact interested in your friend! Its ridiculous, how about growing some balls and try speaking to the woman you like directly!

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