So today I got a fright. Today my precious for an hour of my life I lost my fabulousness. It started well.

Waking up singing Akuna Matata I remembered that I’d had a heap of blood tests done and was yet to get the results. So I called and they said I needed to come in and collect my requested letter. I like to show prospective partners that I take my sexual health seriously as should they. I know, it’s the considerate citizen in me.

My trouble with the NHS isn’t the professionals. It’s the bloody receptionists who think they’re medically trained. I arrived and she looked at her computer screen and told me that all my tests appeared normal but that I still needed to see the Doctor. What for? She wasn’t sure. I asked for a print out and started to worry when I saw her going off to find the ink cartridge and rig up an industrial antique looking printer. This was going to take a while but I wasn’t worried. I’d always been careful.

The print out I got was nothing short of a confused mess. I asked her what it all meant and she looked at me pityingly and said I needed to see the Doctor. There were negatives and positives everywhere and by the looks of things I had Hepatitis B and Syphilis!! She could give me an appointment next week. Well my precious I’m not one for diva outbursts but….. I demanded to see someone that day and within an hour was back fuming but ready to bravely face the news. And I didn’t have time to call backup.

That my precious was the worst hour of my life. I thought back and since my last tests in November I’d been with 2 partners both of whom were safe. But then…..you never know? I planned my phone calls to both of them cursing them out but telling them they needed to get to a clinic ASAP. I looked up treatments and didn’t fancy penicillin shot into my buttocks but gulping I figured that’s the least I deserved. Hep B was going to be a whole lot harder to get rid of. Oh that was a long hour and thanks to search engines VERY informative. I know Dr Google isn’t the best source of information but when you are faced with receptionists like this one what is one to do?

It turns out that all my tests were clear and I didn’t have anything at all. The industrial antique printer had jumped a line and I was positive for a rubella vaccine and chicken pox as a kid. I’ve never been so happy to have had chicken pox.

But I’ve learned my lesson my precious. I called some exes and told them of my decision to abstain from sex for a while. This met with ridicule, disbelief and protests that I couldn’t deny him like that but I’ve realised that no cock is worthy of having to go through that hour.

So stay safe my precious and beware the antique printers and receptionists at doctor’s surgeries.