The role of the confidente

So as a friend there is a role which we all have to deliver which is that of the confidente. Normally I don’t mind it but sometimes there are some questions which one has to put up that we would rather not have to bother with. So here are the delightful questions we friends who are confidentes have to put up with. Or if you only knew the crap we have to listen to when you guys aren’t acting right. We help you guys and so for this reason alone you shouldn’t hate on the single friend because without us you would need to deal with a whole heap of neurosis that no man can manage. Let’s begin.

Why hasn’t he called?

Honey, I don’t know and asking me isn’t going to come up with an answer that is adequate. Know this, if he is interested and is mature he will call or communicate. So assume the lack of a call is a sign that he isn’t that interested.  You are merely an option in his day or an afterthought and not a priority. Hurts but tis true my precious.  I really need to take this one on board because I assume him not calling is a sign that I need to call him drunken dial him to make sure his phone works. Nope! Oh and if he missed calls you please believe that it’s a missed call and that he really isn’t trying to feel you out. Avoid that awkward ‘did you call, er no’ conversation. I believe any guy that miss calls shows dangerous signs of having a pay as you go and should be avoided anyway.

Why is everyone in a relationship except me?

I don’t know and seriously if you can’t enjoy the multitude of positives that singledom provide you at least some of the time then please lose my number. There is nothing worse that the single friend who wants a relationship so badly that it permeates through her pours and ruins everyone else’s champagne buzz. Pet peeve : Those friends who will go to great lengths to show how ‘wifey’ they are in front of men and how non ‘wifey’ you are. Sure chick do you but don’t think that most men are that worried about a ‘wifey’ at a bar or a club. But I tell you what…we’re friends so I’ll ask him to drop you home on the way back to mine, ok?

What’s wrong with me? When is it my turn?

I don’t have psychic powers but the one thing I’ve learned is that relationships come from hence you least expect and at the times when you don’t necessarily want one. Usually closer to home than you may deem comfortable so exploring the 4 corners of London (by this I mean central London only of course) is not always going to reap rewards. The minute you focus on getting one and start envying other people it’s a fail. I remember a friend being upset when another friend seemed really happy with her man. They made a beautiful couple and you couldn’t help but be happy for them. “I’m happy for them but, when is it going to be my turn?” she cried. How could I say that to be honest her general misery and whiff of desperation were so transparent that men could spot it a mile away. Men aren’t intuitive about many things but they sense anything that is going to take away their freedom straight away and run. Needless to say 10 years on and she’s still single.

What do you think he means when he says…..?

Sweetie I wish I could think like a man but seriously I can’t. Normally he means what he says so assume that’s what he means. I had one who said he didn’t want to get addicted to me then promptly disappeared. So I know that this means that he’s about to do a disappearing act. Things like “you are such a good friend” and “you’ll make someone a really good wife one day” are your cues to grab your purse and run!  Others say they need to sort themselves out and aren’t worthy of getting with you and then they…disappear. Yes, so I guess it’s not what he says so much as what he does straight afterwards. If he disappears then chances are he’s not one you want to spend too much of our Union Market lunch analysing? PLEASE!

Should I call him? What should I say?

No do not call him. Yes the conversation will be great but seriously if he isn’t calling you then either his fingers have been paralysed by the excitement of meeting you or he doesn’t really want to talk to you. Chances are he’s just not au fait on dating etiquette and thinks days and days without communication are a precursor to a great relationship. My guess is that he is juggling a Facebook wife, a twitter mistress and copious flirtations on and off line so at this juncture you are nothing but a date he went on last week. Good luck but I don’t call men anymore. 02 were making too much money off of me calling and then them talking about themselves.

So where are we going this weekend?

Newly single friends who suddenly expect you to organise their social lives so that they can meet a new man. Why all of a sudden after 3 or 4 missed invited does she suddenly assume you will be arranging her weekend around her need to meet new men. I have a friend like that who only comes out if she thinks there will be single men out there and drops me helpful texts such as maybe every girl should bring a guy just so she can meet her FuHu. Here’s a suggestion chick, you bring the guys and I’ll bring the nonchalance of someone who doesn’t care enough about your single status to be throwing my unsuspecting single male friends in your voracious path.

Where are all the good men?

Hiding from you and with a good women. Now F off and leave me alone. NEXT !!

© Chelsea Black





One comment

  1. High 5! Another: on point write up…and sadly we’ve all played the confidante AND the mad black chic…who repeats herself 1000 times and thinks, no one has heard her story.

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