The Proposal The Ring

So normally I would write off a month like February as too short, too cold and too full of hearts and roses for me to bother with. The chocolate is the only bit that warms my cynical heart and even then it has to be hot chocolate fondant. But this year is a leap year on which we woman can propose to the men in our lives if we so choose. I know one female friend who is planning a 29th Feb proposal and a male friend proposing in the next few weeks.  It’s a bold move and one that I, the misadventure queen have never ever done! Probably because I have never met a man worthy of marrying but more so it’s because I can’t decide on which ring I would buy myself.

Luckily for me I’m a singletini this year but what would be my criteria for proposing and how would I do it? Forget the sports tannoy. I’m already stuck my precious because the first thing that hit me is that either I would have to buy him something or buy myself THE RING!

I quickly dismiss the thought of buying him something. After all he would be getting bossy old me and my body to abuse at all hours of the day so there really is no better prize. And if he was so much to suggest that new rims for his car may have been a symbolic gesture then we know that marriage wouldn’t last.

The ring is frought with issues. My ex was given clear visual guides (catelogues/walk bys/ website images) on the ring that I deemed to be acceptable. Rings in magazines had been carefully circled and strategically placed in his football kit bag to ensure he didn’t mess it up. Of course he arrived at Pravins, got seduced by a pair of young buoyant boobs on a blond mop and promptly bought me something so heinous that he was forced to buy another. And his new wife is a younger blonde.

Another ex of mine got some cheap ring off a cheaper relative who knew a guy who knew a back of a lorry’s owner. He proposed to everybody with this one ring. They would say yes then, when they realised that his penis has other plans for him he would take back the ring and try his routine somewhere else. Luckily I managed to avoid said ring. The only place he should put that ring is on his prolific penis because that’s the only thing he is totally committed to.

I sometimes think about the Tiffany pink bauble that I’ve hankered for all these years and realise that if I bought it for myself it wouldn’t be the same. Hence I need a man that can and will (with clear guidance) buy something for me. De Beers / Tiffany/ Hatton Gardens don’t do a Groupon discount voucher. I checked.

But if you propose to him is it fair to then expect him to buy a ring?

Yes my precious it is because if the marriage doesn’t work and he runs off with little miss new boobs and freezes the joint assets (have your own bank account my darlings) then sometimes the ring is the only thing you have to pawn. This money will ensure you can afford that must have spa week / hotel stay. Believe you me an impressive shoe collection doesn’t fetch nearly as much as you hoped.

The only reasonable alternative would be for you to buy him an engagement ring. However I don’t see men walking around with diamond rings talking about carats andalways dreaming about a princess cut. Whether men should wear a symbol of their imminent single demise is a whole other issue.

And yes, if FuHu is reading this (Future Husband) these are the sorts of rings I would deem acceptable. Platinum my darling none of this silver or while gold for me. I love you!

©Chelsea Black


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