The green banana boy
I spoke to a friend of mine the other day about my love of plantain. They suggested I try green banana as it’s healthier. I promptly ventured into Fulham to find them as they don’t seem to sell them at Waitrose and there they were, right next to the plantain I’m so obsessed with. So I bought 3 and cooked one and then promptly threw the others away. Where was the sweetness? I tried frying it and boiling it and this thing just stayed hard. I can conclude therefore that I’m just not a fan of green banana. It just seems un ripened.
So the other day I was heading back from work at Earls Court waiting for a bus when a dude interrupted my daydreaming. I jumped in surprise and he apologised for scaring me and asked me which bus he needed to take to get to Clapham Junction. He was tall with a slight French accent and looked harmless enough. I told him but told him that it would be quicker to get to Clapham by tube. He said he’d lost his oyster card. I think this was a lie as how was he planning to catch a bus without an oyster? Maybe contactless or whatever but still…I think he just wanted to chat but he had nothing to say.
I shrugged and went back to daydreaming about my FuHu taking me on a boat ride and me looking elegant and content in the sun. The boy came back and asked me where I’m from. Oh it’s like that, he wants to flirt? I tell him and he says he’s going to South Africa in a couple of weeks. Then I ask him where he’ll be and he doesn’t seem to know much about it although he’s quick to tell me that Johannesburg is now safe for tourists. I look at him sympathetically. This one is like a green banana. So not ripe or tasty.
We exchange numbers because despite the fact that he’s young he’s from Congo and I’ve just read a piece on how they are the most well endowed men on the planet. Maybe his banana wasn’t that green after all….anyway, minutes later I receive a whatsapp and I’m already over it. I can’t with whatsapp relationships. I miss the joy of hearing someone laughing out loud instead of LOLing and emoticoning me to boredom.
The next day we start our relationship properly.
Green Banana: Morning bbe.
Green Banana: It’s Babe?
Me: So why didn’t you just write babe?
Green Banana: I was writing fast and I missed out a letter. Sorry.
GB: So what are you doing today?
Me: It’s Tuesday. I’m at work.
GB: What time do you finish?
Me: Late. Why? I’m not meeting up
GB: Noooo! LOL. I’m just trying to figure out your life so that I can imagine it
Yet another day
GB: Hello, you’re very quiet.
Me: What for? I think you’re too young for me
GB: I can handle you you know.
Me: You can’t even handle your oyster card so I don’t think you can handle me
GB: Oh! [Frown face emoticon.]
And therein died our relationship. It was short and not very tasty. Like I say, I’m just not that into green banana. Give me a great big ripe plaintain any day
© Chelsea Black