The Facebook photo CV

The Facebook Photo CV

Remember when internet dating was a little bit dirty. I mean it was a sordid secret. You would meet couples and ask how they met and neither one of them could look you in the eye? Those were the good old days! But now, it’s part of anyone who is looking to date’s portfolio. We’ve moved it up a notch and stopped paying for the privilege. Yes I’m talking about Facebook.

OK so now we are recruiting potentials  through Facebook I’m going to have to warn you as to what your profile is saying to the world. Read through and if any of these resonate fix it and spare yourself some disappointment. I’m not saying that this is the reason these assumptions are made but like all recruiters we only have a few seconds to reach a conclusion as to the worthiness of the application.


1)      Guys who peaked in the 90s. Hairstyles like the hightop lean or Soul glo fabulosity. Take down all said photos and instead post up pictures of Obama, superheros and philosophical quotes like “when a man really loves , he does something average but gets huge points for it.” It adds an air of mystery to you and shows that you know your market.

2)      Rule of thumb, if her kid looks 5 years younger than her than something isn’t right. Don’t wander off into a mother daughter porno fantasy love. Someone is lying about their age.

3)      Photos of only their face tell you that chances are they’re not that body beautiful or confident. I would keep scrolling but they may be hiding something you probably don’t want to see.  I had one of these and he was…well let’s just say I assembled my bed myself and I’m not that confident that it could take him let alone both of us.

4)      Photos of him and the boys then chances are you are going to have to contend with posse time. Oh wait we aren’t calling it posse anymore? Then stop hanging around with your high school posse every weekend when you’re  40 something dude.

5)      Only business networking type photos? That’s the only time he looks good girl is in a suit.

6)      No photos of the opposite sex? They are hiding someone away. Maybe it’s like that time LL Cool J used a slimmer woman on his doing it and doing it and doing it well song instead of the real artist. He may be ashamed of her indoors.

7)      If a guy only has women in his photos then grab your purse and run. He’s one of those timewasting wannabes.

8)      One woman in his photos – not quite over the ex. One man in her photos, seriously chica you met Idris once! Let’s move on.

9)      Drunken photos posted by others? Her friends aren’t true friends. Beware the bitchy singles

10)   Drunken photos posted by themselves. So what they like to get drunk.

11)   Only drunken photos…functioning alcoholism is what keeps the supermarkets in profit.

12)   Photos with their kids. They’ve got kids. This may have been the only achievement they are proud of to date. Also telling you that they give cute babies. Always an angle.

13)   Photos of them half naked. Don’t hate, appreciate that Fitness First membership.

14)   Only photos of them half naked. Yeah this one is going to spend a lot of time in the mirror or posing during sex. Best you leave them to their greatest love of all. Themselves.

15)   Photos of Food. Unless they are dieting or experimenting with new recipes this could suggest a healthy appetite for sex. See 3 to ensure that the body doesn’t reflect over eating.

16)   Never smiling – takes themselves too seriously

17)   Always smiling – they know how to have a laugh

18)   Messy rooms – they are messy

19)   Sterile room – they remembered to clean up before the photo was taken

20)   Only photos of uplifting inspirational quotes from others? A wanker with very little imagination.

Happy recruiting!

© Chelsea Black

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