The dog whisperer

There are guys that play the online dating game with finesse. And then there are those that go for women who haven’t got a clue. I think he was the latter.

I was fairly new to internet dating when I met him. He set himself apart by waxing lyrical about great writers I remembered from university but could never quote. I didn’t stop to think that he may have googled it all because I was suitably impressed by his effortless chat …..and his abs.

Oh, he was lush. I have a definite type but I had just finished watching Pretty Women and he was evoking all of my Richard Gere fantasies. He was older with peppered hair, a body that was effortlessly buff and a broody look. He ran his own successful business and sounded like a man of the world. He talked about things not about when he was going to get into my knickers. Hmmmm, had I tripped on a man that was together emotionally and financially? JACKPOT!!

He lived alone in North London and was keen to talk and make sure that we were compatible before meeting.  He was clear, he wanted more than just a casual relationship and was ready to commit. I wasn’t sure that I was but this was a novel approach. I was intrigued.

Then he suggested that we take our conversation off the site and chat on Skype. Now I’m not the greatest fan of Skype. The problem with a Skype date is that you have to think about the state of the  flat in view of the camera as well as making yourself look great and remembering not to pick at your nose/ eyes/ ears nervously. It’s an anxiety diva’s nightmare.

But, prep I did my precious and I ensured that the lighting was just enough to seduce without looking like I was selling my goodies online. (I would like to thank the lovely guy in Heal’s who helped me pick out a lamp.)  I had to look effortlessly casual at home. This meant getting out of my PJs.

When he called I answered and there he was and….he looked better in the flesh! With a loose grey muscle man t-shirt I could see and hear him typing away furiously whilst I was talking. Hold on, why was he still typing if we were skyping?

Him (typing): Hi, how are you ?

Me: Fine dear but, why are you still typing? Is your mike not working?

Him (typing): Shhhhh! Er, We need to be quiet.

Me: But why?

Him (typing): ……I don’t want to wake the dog.

He’d forgotten that he’d told me and the dating website that he didn’t have any pets. Clearly whether he had a dog or a wife we were not a match.com. The only slight satisfaction I got was that skype sound when you end a call. I quickly blocked the dog whisperer and put on Pretty Woman cos that was the closest I was going to get to a fairy tale ending.

 

©Chelsea Black