The cracked lips experience

  Last week I met up with an old friend. He’s really old. Like 90s friend old when we were all pretending to be American and cool old.

I don’t really like meeting with old friends because chances are there is a reason we aren’t in communication that much. Thanks to Facebook this has changed and we are indeed all back in touch. Sigh.

In this case it’s also because he’s boring and the reason we were initially friends is no longer a friend of mine (She still owes me £5.70) so surely she should have gotten him in the divorce? Apparently not. My main complaint is that his lips are painfully dry all the time. I can’t concentrate on anything he says because, I’m in pain looking at him. I am tempted to reach over and smother them in oil but, he could see this as a come on. So I smile but not too widely in case he smiles back and his lips crack further. How can he NOT feel it? This is not sexy in case anyone out there is suffering from a similar affliction. Sort it out. Your dating life WILL improve.

I was surprised when he asked me out on a date. He’s told me that he finds me too different and direct which suits me just fine. But I guess with a new year he’s trying new things. I would have said no but I’m saying yes to all dates this year in an attempt to be a little more open to love. Don’t judge my precious, my mother chants for me every day and I’m beginning to worry that she’ll lose faith. When I say she chants for me, she chants for grandchildren for herself. Same thing.

So I went. He chose a cheap and cheerful place where to be honest the food was average and the drinks weren’t even worth tasting they looked so watered down. How much ice do you need in a vodka cranberry in London winter time? Not that much! He invited me to order food and I was like, why sure, why not?

He went on and on about his evil ex which is always a red flag and I told him a bit about the Crackhead just to be competitive in woeful exes. I didn’t tell him about the blog. No one needs to know that I could out ex them on the first date.   But I didn’t want him to know that this was the first proper date I’d been on in 11 months. I didn’t want him to know that this was a pity / practise date so, I gave him good date. I may get bored or lazy later but, I give great first date.

He then went on to tell me about women and how all women are X, Y, Z. This is always a soothing way to segue into the flirtatious part of the date I find (insert sarcasm please North American readers). Rant about women to a woman and hope that gets her moist. It didn’t get me moist. I felt as dry as the chicken I had ordered. As dry as those chapped lips

Speaking of the food, I didn’t choose a starter and I didn’t have a dessert so when the bill came through and it was less than £50 I figured we hadn’t done too badly. I did the purse reach and he did the, would I get it or shall we go halves?

[scratch record]

Excuse me? I gave him the look and he gave me some line about me earning more than him so, yeah. I didn’t know that this is how we are doing dates now. You invite me to eat somewhere I don’t want to eat and bore me silly and I STILL have to pay for this shit? How is this a life?

This is the perfect excuse I need to never see Cracked Lips again. Needless to say there was no kiss goodnight! But he called the next day to ask me out again and I had to tell him that I didn’t think we had a lot in common. He said that this was sad as I was a good listener. How can you tell a guy you’re not talking in case you blurt out how dry his lips are. Surely he knows? Sigh

Let’s just call this one a late 2014 date shall we? I know Fabulosity2015 will bring me great things with moist, kissable lips!

© Chelsea Black