The Bachelor

Another beast we choose to ignore in the hopes that he will change his spots. Alas my precious it is not always to be. Some men are confirmed bachelors. Happy and content somehow we women see this as a challenge. With us he will be different. We will be the ones to break him and get him to give us his life of drinking out of the juice carton and leaving the toilet seat up. Do this at your peril Ladies as the Bachelor is committed; committed to himself and his lifestyle. Don’t believe the movies. They rarely change until they hit the age when they realise they may die alone and quickly marry a young thing with big boobs and no real expectations. The Bachelor is not to be confused with the bitter divorcé, the perpetual baby, or the bastard. The bachelor really doesn’t see the need in ever being in anything more than short relationships. Hours to months but rarely years. So here are the Bachelor signs:

What’s his living situation? If he’s of a certain age and happy living at home or with housemates with mention of ever moving this is not a good sign. Has he even lived with a woman before? Normally you can tell as they may be a little better housetrained. Does he always come to yours and keeps his space to himself? The sacred Bat Cave…hmmm it’s not looking good is it?

Has he even been close to marriage before? I mean engaged or a relationship for years? Something tells me he hasn’t been sitting in that bedsit waiting for you to turn up and make him realise what he’s been missing all of his life. He has a big screen TV (trust me) he’s seen the sitcoms and soaps. A relationship isn’t a new concept. It’s just not one that he wants any part in. He loves the sex mind.

What is he telling you? Most talk about all the plans they have and you’re thinking ooooh he’s so ambitious but usually those plans do not include you. It’s the boys’ trip to the world cup in South Africa that should have been my clue. He was talking about it in 2007 and was all excited. The precision and focus he put into that one trip and every ski trip he planned was evidence that when motivated he could plan. This didn’t translate to our dates to Nandos.

Does he say he wants out? Most do but being men they can’t just say it so they say:

• ‘I need to clear my head for a while’…then you’ll see photos of him out on the lash on Facebook or him flirting hard on Twitter.
• ‘I like things the way they are. It’s nice to hang out once in a while.’ That means him living in Kent and you living in London is somehow the best situation for him
•  ‘My Uncle John is my role model he’s the dogs Bollocks.’ Uncle John is the dirty old perv at weddings with the need to look with his hands and has never married.
• ‘What’s the point in Marriage? It’s just a piece of paper.’
• My mate Paul is getting married. Stupid sod. He only went and got her pregnant’ meaning there would be no other reason for a sad person to get married but the condom to have failed (probably because it was still in his wallet)

These are all signs that relationship is not on his mind. Yes that’s right Marriage is not on his menu. Move on!

© Chelsea Black