So this has taken longer to write simply because there aren’t as many stupid women questions as compared to the ones men ask. I lie I lie! We too can be just as dating dumb.
I’m going to set the scenario for you. The evening thus far has been full of banter and the joys of getting to know each other. You both have a love of seminal 80s pop and he keeps staring appreciatively but not too respectfully at your cleavages. Yes cleavages girl because that outfit is just the right side of decent. Then you both smile at each other and in that moment you have that momentary panic. What if this is as good as it gets? Yes he knows all the words to Chesney Hawkes The one and only but is he just a one date wonder? What will you tell your friends and mum tomorrow because if you are not tweeting about it then they will call you with questions. So you do what you know you shouldn’t do and start asking stupid, stupid questions. Forgive yourself my precious because somewhere somehow we all do it even though unlike the men we know better. Blame it on the 3rd glass of bubbly and move on graciously. Just try not to ask more than one in a night!
(sidenote – Champagne is to be avoided on a date because it makes you look like the high maintenance chick you should be and can cause ugly pre sex bloat. Don’t make the control tops work overtime. He doesn’t care that it’s low calorie. Only drink if he has suggested a bottle and there is a ring box bulging from his trouser pocket.)
- So what do you do?
Ah so the interview portion of the date has begun. Dating is just another way of saying interview over food or drink. The problem is the only question he wants answering is if you are going to put out that night or in the near future and you are thinking is this my potential FuHu (future husband)? Let’s cut the crap. Chances are it isn’t FuHu it is some guy you may hang with for a few weeks whilst FuHu gets his act together and asks you out. This guy will drop hints about his suitability from how he orders food to compliments he gives. You may as well just enjoy yourself and stop worrying, right? No because women want to figure out early if he has potential and if he does, trust he is less likely to get sex. Oh the irony.
What you are really asking is:
How much money do you earn?
Will your job impress my friends and family?
Can I give up work and become a couch potato or will I have to work until I’m 70?
How secure is your income? (business owner may just be tax avoider. Be warned)
Will you be able to put all 4 of our kids through stage or private school?
So whilst you may consider these important questions to know you are going about it the wrong way and getting his defences up whether he has money or not. Unless he’s from certain African countries in which case he may happily talk about his money and make out that he’s a prince, landowner, chief. You know who you are.
What he does doesn’t tell you anything about him and his attitude to money or his disposable income. If he has kids or debt for example then what he does isn’t really a reflection of his disposable income and you must never ever ask them how much of that they have. And yet somehow it does matter to us.
The other day I was in a bar on a girls’ night out and we got talking to a guy who was boringly texting someone. When asked what he does he said a doctor. Suddenly he became a lot more eligible. The girls stood taller, began strategizing and yes, he was a marked man never to talk to another group of women that night. If he had said he was a primary school teacher he wouldn’t have gotten the same sort of love or snogs. Except from me because I don’t see music and arts for sub 10 year olds in my future. So best I get a man that does.
But it’s a stupid question because whilst we want to know all of these things the key is does this person have a similar attitude to money to you or at least a complimentary one. As soon as a man hears it he’s thinking oh she’s one of those women who judges a man and his job and money. Yes, that’s exactly what we do but must men know this? Be more stealth.
Years ago I met a guy who wouldn’t tell me what he did. Turns out he was an asbestos remover. He said that he showered straight after work but, he was right I just didn’t see that in my future or my bed. I struggle enough washing sweaty sheets let alone asbestos dust. Another was an electrician. I asked him a question about my dodgy lighting and he said it was just a bad batch of bulbs. Err, for 3 years? I don’t mind an electrician but a bad one who wasn’t even willing to come round and sort out my wiring? He totally didn’t pick up the clue. What’s the use in that!
The problem with this question is that so many people don’t really have jobs or careers anymore. You are showing yourself up as not being with the times. The number of slashers I’ve met is ridiculous and I don’t need to hear about the promotion work which will help him crack it as a singer but at the moment he is working for Lidl stacking shelves. Sometimes you ask the question and you talk yourself out of potential shags.
The other issue is that so many are not in employment at the moment. Why ruin a perfectly good date by reminding him that his redundancy money is running low? Then when you do the purse reach at the end of dinner you may find yourself paying for the whole dinner.
Another guy I knew didn’t really do much. He told me he was waiting for his mum to die so that he could inherit the house. He misread my shocked face and said “Don’t worry, she’s 70 now so not long to go,” and winked. The only thing that died was my phone when he called. This guy was a trained accountant!
My favourite alternative is talking about what I wanted to be when I was younger (if he thinks he could still be a premiership footballer or a rapper at 43 then time to grab your purse and head home hun) or asking how was work? This could backfire if he hates his job though. Less obvious questions but you still get all the information you require. So let’s drop this question please ladies. We need to recognise that the job title doesn’t the man make and it just makes us look shallow. I can be shallow but why reveal that so early on?
Oh and for those women with crap jobs. This shouldn’t even be a consideration as a question. What if he were to ask it back? Get your own money before looking at men with money as your meal ticket. I know we all have to eat but dating isn’t a supermarket alternative.
© Chelsea Black
What did you want to be when you were younger is SUCH a good question. I love it, because it can allow you indulge in a fantasy and find out about someone’s job without having to ask.
The other important point about work is that if you’re trying to get someone to get excited, then talking about what they do, if they feel it’s boring, will start to feel small and insignificant. Asking what they wanted to do allows you to pretend – and it’s not like you’re going to end up in a long relationship with them without at SOME stage finding out what they do for a living.
When I hear doctor I think 80 hours a week job – when will he have time for me?
sweetie that’s a House officer! If they are older so Consultant or Registrar then you are ok….they’re less hours. This was a 34 year old registrar so….50 hours. Enough.
Preach! I wish us women would be honest with ourselves sometimes. We need to make sure we have the same qualities in ourselves that we demand in others.
I agree. I hate double standards especially in relationships
He TOTALLY got hotter when we found out he was a doctor. Shameful but whatever!