Smug friend lines

A-Sexy: C is for couples part II

Beware the smug couple friend whose intentions seem genuine but really are just there to make themselves feel better about your singledom

1)      Don’t worry, you’ll find someone as wonderful as my Gary soon and when you do, you’ll understand. (this is when you’re shocked that she’s forgiven Gary for some heinous crime like staying over at the ex’s house because his brand new car broke down…again)

2)      Maybe you should start to worry. You aren’t getting any younger you know and if you want children (the real reason her and Gary found love. They were both broody)

3)      So what about you? Still single? (either avoids eye contact or looks at you with the pity of one who has just heard you have a terminal illness)

4)      Well you must be doing SOMETHING wrong! (This is after you tell them about the latest bad date you went on. Nothing compared to some of the scrapes she used to get into)

5)      Just be yourself. You’re lovely! ( A rare moment when she is feeling generous enough to throw you a compliment)

6)      Maybe you need to be less you. You must be scaring them away. (the Alpha female what are you doing wrong conversation is a reoccurring theme. This is your queue to grab your purse and leave if you don’t want to smack her with it)

7)      Maybe you’ve been single for too long and you don’t know how to compromise. (I don’t like men sleeping with other women. Sue me)

8)      Let’s do a makeover! (She thinks you’re ugly or dress too slutty. Please do not embark on this project especially of your body shapes are totally different.)

9)      Do you want me to ask Gary if he knows of any nice men? I’m sure if we all put our heads together we can find someone suitable. (Gary is a twat, no you do not want to meet any of his friends, relatives or acquaintances. They will have an eau de Gary about them)

10)   Maybe your standards are a little too high? You need to be more open.  (Apparently someone with education, sense of humour, not ugly and really into you is high. Besides she has a dweeby work colleague she want to set you up with )

11)   Your standards are too low. You need to want better for yourself. (She may have a point there but often she’s just feeling self righteous)

12)   Have you thought about internet dating? Desperate times and all that (she’s run out of platitudes and is throwing you to the wolves.)

My precious I appreciate that couples can be scary things but don’t let these women upset you. They are sent to test us and make us want to slap them but in their heads they are showing that they care. Best you find yourself some new single friends to hang with because when she is in Smugitude there is no saving her.

© Chelsea Black