Now, where’s my car?

Carkey parties

Ok I love me an adventure or two but I’m not going to lie to you my precious this is too high risk for me. And the reason being is that I know nothing about cars and therefore car keys meaning that when it’s my turn to pick a key I don’t know what sort of keys I would be looking for. I  think we can assume a big key ring is inversely proportional to the size of his dick. And what’s with those guys who throw in their whole set of house keys? Does that mean you may be night bussing it home?

No, my thing is that if you are invited it’s best to ask for a full list of attendees with photos in advance and even then, know that the good looking ones will NOT be there. I have never been to a sex party that was fun of the beautiful people. Even the under 35 year old parties are full of under 35s…15-20 years ago. You’ve got to love then for trying.

That said if you do find yourself accidentally at one of these or any other of these group sex affairs there are a number of key rules that you must abide by:

  1. Keep your coat on until you have scoped the potential in the room. Do not assume that the beautiful ones are coming later. You are fashionably later. You are the beautiful people. You don’t want to waste an outfit and you don’t want to look like you’ve tried too hard when chances are most have either gone predictable fetish wear (really chica? PVC and cellulite?) or suburban mum next door (aka I’ve never done this before!)
  2. Scan: Is there anyone in here you want to shag? Chances are not…grab your purse and run
  3. If there is someone you like the look of and you’ve managed to chat to him and still like him (unlikely but hey) then subtly given them one of your dating cards and leave. They’ll call if they’re smart enough. Have a party for 2 later. Asking him which keys are his still won’t guarantee success if you don’t know cars.  Besides some idiots think it’s funny to blindfold you as you choose.
  4. If like me you can’t hide a look of dismay this is not for you. Like when people give you crap presents my face will show how disappointed I am. So if you do play and you get lumbered with someone whose very being makes your heart palpitate, your skin crawl and your vajayjay dry up then this is not for you my precious. Go home, watch Take Me Out and have a Nandos instead.
  5. Know that the hostess is not your friend. She too wants to get laid so don’t stand too close to her. It looks predatory. Instead let them come to you. They will. They’re men… with keys.
  6. Instead work the room like you’re helpful but show a submissive / catering side. No more than bringing out a few drinks or a bowl of nuts is needed here lovely. The apron and tied to the kitchen sink look…too 1950s. Hence he left his wife at home.
  7. Remember he has the keys so is driving. Therefore you are hosting. Tidy before you leave your flat.
  8. Assume the sex will be rubbish. Completely lower your expectations and know that it will be worse than that.
  9. Don’t ask him about his personal life. Keep it light and breezy. Nothing worse than him revealing that all that sexual bravado is a front and really he just misses his wife and kids but the restraining order (huh?) says no.
  10. If he has a flashy key ring or car we must assume he’s a bit of a knob. Develop a stomach bug, maybe from the nuts and hail a cab home
  11. Sex parties are the worst sort of parties as a single woman as ultimately you don’t have anyone to giggle with over the rest of the attendees. So best you remember this next time and  drag a friend along.

© Chelsea Black


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