My last internet date (aka why I’m on a permanent break)

It all started on (Can I sue for distress?)

I met a guy called John, 34, a banker from Zanzibar, 6’2 and keen. This wasn’t my usual 50+ white guy from Holland/Germany/Austria. Anyway we chatted and exchanged numbers. I don’t believe in pen pal dating.

On the phone he quickly popped the question. “So Chelsea…. are you adventurous?”

“What do you mean, like sky diving and eating sushi?” I replied, “No, not really.”

“No I meant sexually. 3sums, clubs, sex outside?”

Now let’s stop right here. I don’t think 3sums are particularly adventurous. They are more a feat of persuasion and managing the insecurities of 2 people instead of 1. Sex outdoors in the UK is ludicrous.  Why when you could do it on a bed lightly toasted by your electric blanket?  Muscles need to be warmed up!

We speak a few more times and he suggests a first date at his place. I say no because it’s in Highgate which, after checking transport direct I realise is in zone 3 AND over an hour away from me ergo breaching my dating rules. He thinks to sweeten the deal by mentioning that he has a Jacuzzi. I’m not budging from my stance that it’s a public bar for a drink or nothing doing so, in an act of what I considered to be desperation he says “I have a friend, Brazilian, who gives the most excellent massages. I would love to watch him give you a massage” I curse like a sidewalk hooker, hang up and delete his number. I mean, what if I preferred the Brazilian?

Fast forward to May and I’ve just had a birthday and discovered my first grey pube when ‘John ‘calls out of the blue. With my mother’s words that I’m too quick to judge I decide, fuck it and agree to meet him. It didn’t hurt that it was at 11 Cadogan Gardens and I’d never been inside. So I agree to a 7pm date.

Late at 7.30 a man walks in who clearly isn’t ‘John’ but has the same voice. Instead he is 5’7, Middle Eastern from Oman, his name is ‘Omar’ and he claims to be 37 but I reckon that was 8 years ago. So instead of it being a fun date it turns into a weird job interview. I didn’t realise it but apparently I was looking for work. He is looking for women to have sex with black gigolos for a women only club he is opening and then write reports. Oh, he wasn’t a banker either!

I won’t lie my precious.  I thought about it. I had day dreams about writing a book to best Belle de jour but, alas, if I can’t tell my parents what I do for a living then living isn’t worth doing. I cannot deny them the bragging rights. Besides it wasn’t enough to entice this chick from the romantic notion that my Theo is out there. He’s just running on African time and clearly not internet dating.


  1. Oh my goodness! Just read this. Hilarious. Oh Charle. I don’t even know what to say. Actually, I do. Call ‘John’ back, take the job and write a bestseller 🙂

    • No you don’t and yet…they do. I think it came as a surprise even to me. Especially the fact that I said no 😉

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