Long Distance Hang up

So last year I was dating someone in Africa. I’m nothing if not up for the occasional dating challenge my precious. But wait. Let me go back. Waaaay back.

It started with a friend request on my real Facebook account. I didn’t recognise the name but he convinced me that we went to university together. I squinted at the photos and, if I turned my head 50 degrees to the right and bat my eyelashes I could see the young man he had been all those many years ago. I complain about weight gain but when I look at men and weight gain I realise that I’m ok. I can still taste my university weight after a healthy dose of the flu. He looks like he’s eaten a small child.

We start chatting and he confesses he had a crush on me at university. He also married a woman who hated me. I look at pictures of his ex-wife and no amount of squinting will make me remember this woman. I guess that’s why she didn’t like me. She didn’t feature in my life at all.

Now before I go on I must say that I don’t buy the crush at school/ work/ uni line one bit. It’s a great way of saying I want you and you will be flattered if I tell you that I wanted you all of those years ago. I tend to think, we were at Uni for 4 years and you didn’t ask me for one date? You knew how appalling residence hall food was and you didn’t think to take me away from the misery for one evening? You’re not right. But I know that many find this flattering so, er, yeah…

We start to talk more by BBM and online. It gets hot and steamy and before you know it he’s planning a trip to London. I’m all excited and in love and I start planning how I can pack up my London life and move to Africa. It’s alarming to me how easy it could be.

When I tell you my precious I spent more time talking to this man than any other boyfriend bar one. It was constant. I was getting up at 4.30 / 5am for morning BBM sessions and he was sleeping late for ….night BBM sessions. Photos flew through the cybersphere and I learned more about golf than I care to know. I’m not into sports that don’t make you sweat properly. Sorry yogis. He also had all of Omars albums. I didn’t realise Omar had more than the one song. You live and learn.

There were a few red flags. He still hated the ex wife with a passion and they were doing that thing over child support and access. He’d also slept with a friend some years ago who I considered vulnerable and he had a temper.  But we were both stubborn Taureans and it was actually really nice to relate to someone who knew you when you were 18!  Turns out that I haven’t changed that much.

Then one day he just disappeared for a week. His plea was that work got busy. Huh? Whatever dude. I knew there was a new woman on the scene. We had discussed sex with others until we met and I was all for it. Who knew that I wasn’t going to be the one getting it? But my one rule is that it had to be mentioned, safe and we would both need to get tested before we met. I’m a pragmatic slut I know.

I went away for a murder mystery weekend with Linda and I got this text.

“So, I was fucking someone else last night and as I fucked her from behind all I could think of was you”

So I’m there in shock thinking why did he send this to me. I chose to ignore it. I didn’t have time. But eventually after a conversation with Mama Black and the rest of my dating panel I realised that I can’t be the sort of person that doesn’t allow others to fuck up. How else will they be able to forgive me when I fuck up? Also he was telling me that he had slept with someone else which was part of the deal. I just didn’t like the manner and words he chose. Let’s try this again.

So I started engaging with him again after many apologies. I ask him for a date for London and he played the kid / divorced card. He didn’t have money. He played golf 3 times a week at various country clubs in South Africa and yet could no longer make it to London? He drove a car that even I had heard of with cream leather interiors and yet….my spider senses went off again. This dude wasn’t serious.

And then came the night when our BBMs got so heated that he asked me to call him. I told him to call me at which point he confessed that he didn’t have international calling on his phone.

That, my precious, is when I hung up. It’s one thing not to book a flight to see me but are you telling me you can’t get an international bolt-on on your frigging phone. So I did what any woman would do. I deleted him from everything (this takes about half an hour) and moved on.  I heard from him a few months later where he told me that I should acknowledge his attempts to contact him and that at least he was trying.

This is my 3rd Long Distance relationship and I’ve noticed that most men argue that they can’t be alone. They ‘re needy and it won’t work without a short separation time. I’m not saying it can’t work but, I wish you luck with it.

Long distance is hard enough but, when the person isn’t even willing to call you ….it’s time to drop that call. And wince when you hear Omar. And divorce Blackberry.

© Chelsea Black