Ladies – what to avoid

There are a number of my friends whom I love dearly but they drive me mad with their complaints about their men. Let’s face it none of us are perfect and men particularly so but….neither are we ladies. Yes I said it. So here are your 14 valentine’s tips for longer lasting relationships. And yes, I used to have them!!

1. Knowing he’s not your girlfriend. You don’t need to tell him every insecurity, issue you have. That’s what your friends are for. I know we love to perpetuate this “he’s my best friend” fallacy but to be honest you need the balance of a man and your equally as neurotic friends to make the world go round.

2. Accepting that he might not want you there asking stupid questions during the match. Does he talk through SATC or True Blood? He better not. Pre match commentary, Half time and the stupid commentary at the end included sweetie.

3. Knowing not to ask the question “so where is this all going”. What is he a fortune teller? A bus driver? No dear he is just a man. If he has a plan he will let you know. Get your own plan either way.

4. Not going to bed looking like a granny with a scarf and face cream on. Save it for your alone days.

5. Not saving blow jobs for special occasions. It’s really not a treat. It’s foreplay, mid play, post play but it’s not Christmas day, birthday and payday only.

6. Getting over the fact that he had a life before you. You may think he is a god send but chances are he didn’t fall out of the sky. There is a past that will leak into your present. Grow up, deal with it, move on

7. Accepting some of the blame. So you know the underwear he bought you that is 2 sizes too small? That’s what happens when you lie about being a size 10 for months when you’re a fighting fit size 14.

8. Holding off on the crazy. You know you can do it. You do it all the time at work, in supermarkets, on the tube etc. Bring that self-control home with you.

9. Seriously the toothpaste, toilet seat argument is still going on? I’d be more worried as to who else he is shagging. If he’s annoying you with his bathroom antics then he’s home too much!

10. Learn to swallow. It’s really not that hard. If it tastes rank then change his diet 😉

11. Give him a 50 second window in which he is allowed to call you dirty names. Make sure he knows when this window is open……and then closed again.

12. Don’t pretend to be a domestic goddess if you really aren’t. Rushing and hiding dishes in your office or laundry under the couch will inevitably get you caught out. Trust me, it looks worse.

13. OMG get some frigging hobbies of your own. He is not a hobby and he will have his own. If you don’t have any lie til you get some decent ones that keep you busy.

14. If you don’t know what you want or how to please yourself then remember he is just a man and will never be able to figure it out. So get a clue. Then learn how to tell him about it.


  1. My thoughts on Ms Black’s Valentine’s tips:

    1. I totally agree! However there are situation in which a woman may not have her close friends (metaphorically) may not be as close (geographically) as she would like them to be. In this circumstance the boyfriend/husband has to step up to the role as best friend and actually listen for a change, help however he can and seek advice. He should not just hope she gets over it.

    2. Not all men like sport but all men hate Sex & The City: FACT! Personally the footy matches in my life are cookery programmes. Mrs Starkey hates them but watches them with me because she loves me. I watch SATC and wonder why people enjoy watching four women who they DEFINITELY would not be friends with in real life. Thoughts?

    3. Don’t ask, “Where is this going” Excellent, I agree with absolutely no ‘Howevers’ at all. I think this carries an element of “If you don’t love yourself, then how can anybody else” Insecurities in your relationship with ‘you’ will appear in your other relationships. I don’t ask myself “where am I going with me”, do I? I love me and I’m happy with who I am, I also love my marriage and very happy with that too. I am a lucky lucky man.

    4. It’s been about six years since I first saw my wife have a wee with the door open. I think that was the day we realised that we both look crap sometimes, we both have bad hair days and both have terrible breath after eating onion sandwiches. Until you get to that point in a relationship, I do think it’s important to not look like an old hag if naturally you are beautiful, and ladies, you are all beautiful in one way or another.

    5. I do like blowjobs,I get an ample amount, in fact they are my third favourite thing in the world, you are welcome to try and guess the other two. They are a treat but please do listen to Chelsea on this one. Also, it’s not a sour lollypop so don’t be shy, get in there like it’s an 80’s style choc ice.

    6. When the past meets the present it can be awkward, especially if the poor bastard didn’t mean it to happen.. If you love him and an ex turns up, don’t draw your own conclusion and don’t immediately assume she is a bitch. If he’s going out with you and he also went out with her, the chances are she’s actually a good person and things just didn’t work out. Not every relationship ends because the last woman was a complete psychopath. Girls need listening and patience lessons in exactly the same way that we Neanderthals do.

    7. I don’t know if this makes me some kind of pervert but if there is a bra or knickers sitting around then I’ll be looking at the label quicker than my 13 year old self got an erection when the Danni Minogue calendar was released (Holy Mama). Advice for men: check the label before you buy stuff you wollies. Also, in regards to Chelsea’s specific example, size 14 is so much sexier than a size 10 in my eyes.

    8. There is nothing I can say here really, women are crazy, men are crazy. You’re not perfect, neither am I, chill out please.

    9. I guess the biggest problem with the toilet seat thing is that yes, some men (Not me, as I grew up in a house full of women) leave the toilet seat up and women moan. I have never heard of a man complaining about women leaving the toilet seat down. I’m sure that I wee more than she does.

    10. The diet changing thing is a good idea but from the women I’ve spoken to, it’s more the texture that’s the problem. Easy solution, just get him to cum somewhere else. No man is going to complain if you get him to the brink of orgasm and pull his cock out and say ‘oh sweetie I want you to cum all over my tits’ whilst you wank him off……. NO MAN!!!! Or he could just shag you. Easy peasy.

    11. Good advice here, I love calling my wife a dirty slut but I think if I did it more than about once a month I might start believing that she really is one. She’s only a dirty slut when I’m a strict schoolmaster.

    12. I’d love to see a woman hiding plates in office hahaha. A modern man should really be in the kitchen equally as much as the woman anyway, therefore he should know what a pain in the arse tiding and washing is….. Help each other please.

    13. There are a million ways to fill your time and believe me, after being together for a long time you want some time alone or with your other friends. This is true even if you love each other to death and still fancy the pants off him/her. Cut yourself off from the rest of the world or your interests and you run the risk of being cut out forever. Don’t feel alone when you’re on your own.

    14. Every Christmas, Birthday, Anniversary etc I get the classic bollocking to which I respond “I didn’t know what you wanted”. I am then told that I had been given hints for weeks. Here’s an easy way out, send me an email with a bunch of stuff you want and I’ll buy some of it or even all of it. Everyone’s happy yes?

    Sorry that my writing is not up to standard, I am supposed to be working after all. I love your blogs and try to read them all!


  2. Super! Thanks for the post – really good points – common sense but clearly not everyone uses it!

  3. With your permission, I will forward this post. It’s similar to a few I’ve written and it’s great to hear these words come out of a woman’s mouth. Every woman on the planet should post this on her fridge!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.