So last year my twitter obsession finally paid off and I managed to score a ticket to the Capital FM jingle bells event. Thank you chica it was muchos fun. I didn’t even know who was on the bill but I got to see Labrinth (oooh if I were 10 years younger), Pixie Lott, something called Rizzle Kicks? (yes there were some regrets of course) and Rihanna who looked so bored that you wonder why she bothers turning up. Oh yes, the money.
But my night was made by one man whom I had vaguely heard of but never really knew what he did. This man was Jason Derulo . As he came on and did his two numbers I had flashbacks of the Usher concert. Well it was more Michael Jackson circa the 80s but whilst Michael and Usher made the dance moves look effortless Jason seemed to struggle through them especially those that required flexibility, suppleness and natural ability. Bless I thought, this man is too old to be trying these moves. But try he did. A word of advice to Jason, get older dancers then it wouldn’t highlight how much you are struggling.
And Jason knew it. Not once did he smile as he did the usual ‘London I love you for buying my records when no one at home respects my talent’ routine that we have come to know and loathe. Instead he painfully went through his routine looking earnest and like he has bills to pay. And there you have it. Jason has bills which is what makes the next part all the more confusing.
Weeks later with the memory of Jason Derulo fading from my celebrity fatigued brain I read that he had been in an accident breaking his neck in dress rehearsals. What had he been doing?!?
I jumped online to read all about the accident when something disturbing caught my eye. Jason Derulo aged 23. 23! You lie! In the same way Florence from Florence and the Machine is claiming 23, yes maybe but not in a real way that anyone will believe. Why was he struggling so if he was still so young?
Someone sat down and explained it to me. There is an industry age and there is a real age. Yes I get it. I’ve been 28/29 for as long as I can remember. I like it. I don’t need to buy new birthday balloons. But surely the industry age needs to be one that you can get away with? Jason, come on we all know that you were there when Ride on Time came out bopping away in the clubs pretending to be young again and yet you claim 1989 is the year of your birth? You lie! I can’t.
So last night as I disclosed this shocked revelation to my co-host l we agreed that from this day forth a man that lies so blatantly about something that is obvious to all is going to be known as a Derulo. Dancing with a guy and your girlfriend wants to let you know that he’s not the one? She’ll whisper Derulo and you’ll not ask any questions just walk away. Or if she reveals that her latest boo forgot to mention that he had a family of 4 living in the Home Counties? Yes you’ve been Derulo’d.
With that in mind I’m going to get a new industry age and see if that Labrinth is free. If Jason Derulo can age lie then anyone bloody can.
© Chelsea Black 2012