The Jason Derulo story

Once upon a time in a village in Africa a boy was born. The date was sometime in the early part of the last century but the record has been conveniently lost never to be found again.

This boy had a dream. His dream was to be a singer and someone that women screamed at like the white boys on TV.  Why couldn’t an African become the greatest boy idol the world had ever known? So he went to his father and told him that this was what he wanted to do with his life. The father clapped him around the earhole and told him to stop with that nonsense. He couldn’t dance, he couldn’t sing and the girls of the village laughed whenever they saw him. He was going to be a goat herder and like it.

And so young Jason (not his real name) nurtured his secret dream only when he was at work. He practised with the goats and the sheep as his audience who sang with him. He sung to the mountains and the trees. He wouldn’t allow the dream to die. Jason got older. As he married his first and second wives he saw all of his heroes die including Elvis, Bob Marley and Marvin Gaye. Whilst others mourned Jason (not his real name) saw this as an opportunity for an African to finally shine. His kids had their own kids but the dream still burned as brightly as before.

Then one day as he was scaring sheep on a mountain an old witch doctor came across him. She asked him what he was doing and he told her of his shameful dream. The woman grabbed her chest and bent to the ground. Dear god had he killed her? But no, when the old dear had stopped laughing she told Jason (not his real name) that he would have to abandon his sheep, his wives and the children and go the land where stupid people lived and would give anyone that could move their hips a chance. She couldn’t wait to get back and tell others about the goat she had met on the mountain that day.

‘But I’m too old!’ lamented Jason, ‘How will I ever make it as a boy idol now?’ The old woman looked at Jason, looked at the still trembling sheep and goats and gave him a potion. ‘Drink this every day for the rest of your life and you will be fine’.

‘Will it make me younger?’ he asked hopefully. The old woman clapped him across the face and told him to stop being so stupid. Couldn’t he see the wrinkles on her face? ‘But it will give you the ability to lie to everyone you see without feeling any shame and remorse. You will however lose the ability to smile and dance at the same time.’

And so Jason (not his real name) seeing this as no great sacrifice at all left the village and sailed to America after selling a wife, 6 daughters and most of his sheep. The great grandchildren cried because finally they would be able to do their homework without listening to his caterwauling through the night. Since Michael Jackson had gone solo it had gotten worse.

The next 30 years were lost to everyone except Derulo who worked through various jobs trying to lose his African accent. Everywhere he went he scared people with his singing and jerky movements but he drank the potion and kept on dreaming. Then he met a publicist with a drug habit and a desperate need for a new act to rival those of Usher and Taio Cruz. Through drunken eyes she saw Jason and agreed to take him on. This decision led to her further demise into alcoholism once she sobered up and realised what she had signed up for. Jason gave her some of the potion. She gathered a team of people who also took the potion and they got to work making this man a star.

And thus we had an African star who had to hide his true identity just to make it as a pop idol. No one but Tunde (his real name) will ever know the things he has had to do to make it. The arse he has had to lick the dick he’s had to ….but no. Let’s not go there. Despite it all the one thing that he’s never struggled with is his ability to lie. The old woman was right! And not once did he think that the old woman may have drunk the potion herself and lied to him. The world was his!

© Chelsea Black