If I were a boy

I’ve always thought what sort of man would I be if I were a man but knowing the things I know as a woman. What would work and what wouldn’t. Let’s face it most men don’t think women are that bright when it comes to interactions so I guess I would assume the same? Not that I want to be a man as the thought of having to feign enthusiasm about computer games, films in space or hobbit land or shave my face every day doesn’t really sell it. But if I woke up tomorrow and had a penis ( you KNOW mine would be of a size) then I think I would be an undercover playa. Yes indeed I would be the ultimate dog and this my precious is how I would do it.

1. I would have loads of women that I was talking to at the same time. Rotation baby rotation otherwise women can get boring cos they want to talk all the bloody time about things I don’t’ care about.  Plus options mean none of them become a priority even though bless ‘em they would think they are the one.
2.  I would call all women my lovely, babes, sweetie or gorgeous to avoid tripping up. But I would put them under my phone as guys’ names to avoid those that check for other women.
3. I would have 2 phones one for the serious people in my life and the others for the floozies. I would tell floozies that this was a work phone and therefore not to be used ever! Ever bitch!!
4. I would tell them all straight that I’m still in pain from another relationship and that I don’t know if I can love again (cue bambi eyes and sob story of betrayal from the only women I’ve ever loved). I would then accept the consolatory sex they offered but not stay over. It’s too soon.
5. I would market myself cheaply on facebook and twitter with some old photos from when I used to go to the gym. Shirtless works best. I would post philosophical bullshit like “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” or “A real man doesn’t lie or cheat” and let them come to me.
6. I would shower a lot to avoid detection. Some women and their strong perfumes
7. I would buy them all the same perfume for birthdays and Christmas and tell them all to wear it to avoid them detecting a new one on me.
8. I would tell her about all my friends that she will never ever meet but that I’m always with cos you know at 43 I STILL need to go to football training 4 times a week.
9. If I felt she was getting suspicious I would send her flowers or find an obscure poem online about eyes and send that to her. Fuck it, the poem, like I don’t have enough bills going out of the house.
10. I would let her come first the first time to get the impression that I give a fuck. After that it’s all about me baby!!
11. I would do chivalrous things like open doors and pay for things. Then I know she’s going to think I’m a gentlemen and drop the panties sooner.
12. I would have 2 properties, have the real life in one and then have the second for my bitches and one night stands. Alternatively I would just tell her I live at home so she couldn’t stay over.
13. I would only shag women who had their own places and preferably with kids. They seem more grateful for the opportunity and less likely to try to lock you down on the marriage tip. But never ever meet the kids.
14. I would train her by never calling more than once a week and only texting back 2 or 3 days later. Otherwise they get too attached and start thinking you and her are dating or something? What’s that about?
15. I would have 3 or 4 basement restaurants where no one would ever be likely to see us and take them all there. Tell her it’s my favourite spot.
16. If I was married I would claim that we were going through a divorce or separated. This would gain me loads of sympathy. I would have to be careful not to appear too bitter though cos then they start thinking that they don’t have a chance. Always leave them thinking there is a small chance.
17. I would drive. That way I can always be stuck in traffic (getting a last minute blow job) or broken down (this shit is so good I’m going to have to stay for another round)
18. I would declare my love when drunk so that I could take it back when sober. Mess with their heads. Or better yet never make mention of it sober cos I don’t need to have THAT conversation.
19. I would always make sure I wore condoms cos these women are always trying to tie a man down. But then condoms are expensive so instead I would use the old 100% effective (not) withdrawal method and come on her face. But because I’m a playa I would avoid the hair. I don’t need that kind of drama.
20. And finally I would lie incessantly ….because I can. Women give me permission ALL the time. They always believe what they want to and at the end of the day if she goes….well then there is always twitter or facebook for me to find another.

Peace out dudes! (Swaggers off with my big dick swinging)

©Chelsea Black