How to be a Video Wanker

How to be a Video Wanker

You won’t hear this from me often but, I give up. I’ve tried with the not so subtle ‘stop sending dick pics’ pleas. But, like the Kardashians commitment to fake tan and plastic surgery, some of you are dedicated to being Video Wankers.

And The Rona hasn’t helped. It’s made it worse as you have too much fucking time on your hands to jerk off. So I’ve decided if you are going to be a Video Wanker, do it properly. And that’s right, I’m going to tell you how to avoid facing the wrath of women everywhere. Learn to give good Video Wanking!

The consent

Most think consent is not required but I beg that if you are going to spend the next hour or so preparing then make sure that your audience wants to see it. Most will politely decline but there’s nowt worse than opening a video from what you thought was a friend to find his mediocre dick in your face. Unsolicited videos are worse than unsolicited videos because we all feel compelled to watch them. I know you want as many women as possible to see the ‘glory’ you deem to be your cock but, ask before sharing, ‘kay?

The Audience

 Here’s the thing; some of you use live video to lure in your unsuspecting victims. This doesn’t work for the majority of women who require some sort of foreplay and forewarning (see above)

So let’s spare a moment to think about them? A night in at home in their onesie watching a Netflix romcom ruined by your winking penis on screen? Anything live I’d advise against for amateurs your lack of camera vs dick control can ruin whatever effect you were going for. Nothing kills the mood like a wobbly camera angle! Let’s assume you’re going for a Blue Peter, ‘Here’s one I prepared earlier’ video. Only until you’re a pro.

The Set up

Speaking of wobbles, have you been neglecting the gym? Is your pandemic, snack happy body really the one you want her to see for the first time? Are you ready to hear a chortle as she explains watching more budda belly than dick? Be careful VW. It’s hard to sustain a hard on when the other person is crying with laughter later. Do a few crunches or something.

Set up extends to the room, the lighting, the filter. You need to be technically confident and clean. Otherwise she may as well watch a professional I would suggest at home and not out and about?

And set up includes you VW. Skin a little ashy? Not a fan of the other kind of cream? I beg you think about oiling your legs, arms and belly too. Don’t forget the buttocks. Ashy buns are not delectable.

Before I forget: For the love of all things decent, trim the pubes. Dye the greys or get some cream and take it all off. I appreciate you can’t make it in for your normal back sack and crack but there’s no need to look unkempt.

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