Fight for this love?

F is for Fight for this love.

I just responded to a tweet about why a woman who was hit by a man says she deserves it. Deserve a beat down? I can’t think of a reason why.

Now normally I’m really clear on this issue. No man should ever hit a woman. I don’t care what the circumstances. This is someone who either wants to rule by fear and intimidation or can’t control their emotions and is a risk to your health. Yes, there is no black and white when it comes to violence.  The fact that some people seem to have forgiven Chris on RiRi or The Tweedy Chav toilet attendant incident just shows how numb we are.

I’ve never been hit. I don’t come from a history of domestic violence despite it being somewhat of a norm in my parent’s generation. However I was raised not to be hit. Cousins have experienced it and I’m shocked as other family members, ususally the women, excuse her staying on financial grounds. “Well she’s not going to do much better at her age” or “He’s rich” are my favourite. Which is why I find violence non-negotiable. I don’t care how annoying I can be and, I can be annoying, you don’t have the right to put your hand, fist, or foot on me in anger.

I did have an incident once where I found out a guy was cheating on me. I know, why when there is clearly never a reason to cheat when I believe in open relationships but yes he did and in such a sloppy way that I found out. We argued and made up with promises that he wouldn’t do it again. This as we know is code for I will do it again but I will be smarter about it next time and he did do it again to his subsequent partners with limited success. For someone clever he sure could be sloppy.

But soon after this fight we were out having fun. He got drunk and I wanted to leave. I’m not good fun when I’m the sober one. We got into a disagreement and he grabbed my wrists and told me to stop acting like a fucking bitch and….what the fuck! Where did this come from? Who was this man? Quickly he realised that he has messed up and we went back to our hotel where luckily there were 2 beds. We woke up the next morning and he said to me, “It’s over isn’t it?” to which I said yes. We both knew that there was no going back from that one moment of his breeching my trust or safety. I can’t sleep with one eye open forever. I love my sleep too much.

Another story doesn’t involve me but a friend who was fighting with her man and pummelling his chest. So Hollywood and unnecessary I agree. He tried to walk away but she grabbed his ankles and was dragged half way across the room. Yes it really does happen outside of films. I didn’t get it. So he was supposed to control his emotions but she could be violent when emotional? It’s a double standard and suggests that men are somehow meant to be better people than women. That my precious is so not true. I just didn’t get it. It reminded me of my sister who as a child was always hitting the rest of us. Sometimes we would take a good swipe back at her and we would get into trouble because she was smaller and we should know better? This doesn’t make sense at all. In my mind she should have been berated for being a nuisance and starting trouble she couldn’t finish.

I think the way films have ‘humourised’ fights between couples mean we think it’s ok if the woman can hold her own and fight back. It’s not. And I’m not saying that because I’m not that big and don’t scar easily. So we need to have a zero tolerance on violence whether it be men or women. That way no one gets confused and think that it’s ok.  Oh and younger siblings. Especially younger siblings.

Let’s stop the fighting

© Chelsea Black.