Derriere Distracted

Derriere Distracted.

Last night I had a conversation with a guy I know vaguely through wanting to be healthy. The world is not a safe place for a singletini but it would seem that even getting your exercise on is no longer sacred. Yes my precious, you know how it is whether you are jogging, working out in the gym or just trying to get your afternoon walk on there is always a man with some comment or two to make. This one had a girlfriend but, sadly for him a noticeable inability not to look at bums.

I get a friend request and it looks like a guy from training. Derriere Distracted confirms that the friend request is indeed from him. My heart stills as I had hoped that it was someone else catfishing me and that I could get a whole heap of blogs our of it but, alas it’s just him. The conversation continues:

CB:  hahaha. Just checking it was you. I thought maybe some idiot had cloned you but no. Why the 2nd account?

Derriere Distracted: I use this when debating/admiring a group. (Don’t get me started on this nonsense. I’m trying to keep to 900 words)

The next thing I know my phone is ringing and it’s him. Apparently you can call from Facebook to someone’s phone. Someone please tell me how I can disable this feature? This is a code fuchsia cry for help.

We speak and I ask him about his girlfriend whom I’ve had the distinct displeasure to meet a few times. I say displeasure as she constantly looks like she’s eating tangtastic Haribos when she should be eating starmix. Or maybe it’s just a thin line between the look of a woman in line and constipation? I can’t say that we hit it off and she looked at me like I stole her Haribos. No one wants your tangtastics hunni! You can have ‘em!

DD informs me that they’re on a break. I ask how long since the break started and he says that he doesn’t want to get into the specifics but that he just needed a break.

Right….something tells me that this break started at the same time as the call but I’m not going to go there.

Anyway he tells me that he had a long day at work and wants to take a drive and was thinking of swinging by?

[scratch record]

This man doesn’t even have my number and now he wants to do a drive by? Huh? Where did he get the impression that this would be received with anything but laughter at the nonsense that he’s spouting? I ask the Universe why she keeps sending me these tests before realising that, eish, the nigistence in this one is just strong. Even the Universe can’t stop it.

So I tell him no thanks and that I have a partner. He congratulated me earlier for being in a relationship. Wait, I said I had a man not that I won the lottery? But I digress. I tell him that my man wouldn’t be happy about me sitting in some random guy’s car outside my house. He said that no we would go to a nearby bar or something.

So this is an attempt at a date? He says no. Hmmmmm, so this is a very bad booty call attempt then. We’ve all been here before.  He then tells me that we both know that we were flirting with each other at an event. I told him no because sourpuss I mean, his girlfriend was sitting there the whole time. Dude started telling me about mangos and oral sex. Really? In front of his girlfriend? And I’m the flirt?

We ring off and I post a few updates about the cheek that is this one. And he writes again

Derriere Distracted: I swear I’m going to get you back for that one

CB: I’m just warming up (I promptly post a couple more updates about the gall of this dude) DD: I’ll watch my every word from now on lol

CB: You need to. I’m friendly. I’m not flirty. You were the one who started talking about eating mangoes in a sexual manner. Cheeky sod

DD: SURE you aren‘t…You are killing me with laughter here

CB: But you aren’t the first arrogant black man to think I was flirting with them when I was just being nice. I understand. You don’t get many women being nice to you, ne?

DD: I’m not arrogant, I’m just confident :-]

CB: ah well, lesson learned.

CB: hahaha. me too. Which is why I KNOW I wasn’t flirting

I hear nothing back from Derriere Distracted and I assume we’ve all moved on. Then tonight I get this message

DD: Oh btw, I know it’s not relevant info to you, but I was kidding about having space from the lady. Still very much together :-]

CB: so when you said you were on a break you mean the length of our telephone conversation? Right. I totally understand. And you wonder why women are jaded about men

DD: Lol no I was just kidding in general I just forgot to clarify before the convo ended :-] How’s your day going?

Is this brother SERIOUS? You forgot to say psyche! I can’t anymore. Maybe she’s like that plane that disappeared without a trace…except the trail of sugar from the tangstatics means she will always be found? 

I’m sharing this to a) out him for his stupidity and b) warn others about the nonsense that may lie ahead for you. I suggest you never sign up for an exercise class where you are made to squat is all I’m saying because some men think that’s an invitation for a drive by.

On a happier note I found malted milk biscuits at Waitrose. I’m off to devour some. Toodles!

© Chelsea Black