Congratulations it’s a ….

A – Sexy: C is for for Condoms part 2

So what’s the thing with guys not knowing what size they are? Like bras I think they should all get fitted and all should know which condoms are their friends. We are talking, size, spermicide/lube, thinness etc. Make friends with your local sex shop and do some bloody research.

What’s your size

Ladies do not give them too many size options. They will always opt for the largest condom in the bowl. Bless them it’s an aspirational thing. You’ve got to be able to look at that bad boy when it’s erect and make a call. Preferably not to your ex in distress asking him to come back all is forgiven.  Please I beg do not start with the Trojan Magnum XLs. Both of you will only be disappointed. The fact that they come in a Gold packaging tells you that it’s only for those that are truly gifted so save it for a special occasion. Not to mention they are bloody expensive.

You’ll hear all sorts of excuses as to why he can’t wear condoms.

  1. It makes him come too quickly (yeah, that’s the reason)
  2. He loses his erection (bless him)
  3. He can’t come at all with one on. (poor thing)
  4. He doesn’t like them (I don’t like STDs)
  5. He’s clean and tested (ask for dated paperwork. All GPs will provide it. 3 months is just about acceptable but still, not at the beginning of any relationship)

It’s a……

Once when I was younger I had sex with a boyfriend and all seemed well. Then I started to feel really ill the next day. My stomach was contracting and 2 days later I was starting to consider a trip to A&E when…..I gave birth to….a condom? Yes that was what had been making me ill. Most female bodies don’t like foreign bodies. Now for it to be that far up it must have come off pretty early on in proceedings no?

I approached soon to be ex boyfriend who said “Oh, I wondered where it had gone. I just assumed you had it.” WTF! He was too embarrassed to admit it had come off is more like it.  So this is why I will always preach about the need for men to know their size.

Size matters

A male friend of mine complained about being too big. (yawn) I bought him 60 Magnums (plus a chocolate Magnum for me) and it changed his sex life. No need to check for tears or worry about having to lube up every few minutes. So guys find that condom and make sure that you are brand specific. Another reason for you to always carry your own me thinks. 😉

Signed, scarred for life

© Chelsea Black


    • no darling this is a solo trip men should do by themselves. When the store assistant shouts “PAUL! Bring the extra smalls from the basement!….NO EXTRA small!” you don’t really want witnesses to that, surely? lol

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