Black Fatigue and Dating

Preference is still self hate Boo

Another example of fatigue is, in the last few weeks I’ve been dabbling again in matchmaking. I know, don’t ask but, to be fair these men have been bugging me for a while to set them up. Any hoo, 2 guys separately asked for light skinned women with a certain type of hair? One was rather direct whilst the other (a Cancer so, no surprises there) was passive aggressive about his request. So clearly whilst many claim to be pro black they still yearn for an internalised vision of what their wife should look like. Basically Latina. They don’t want to date black women. I asked the one why and he mumbled about having a preference. When pressed he said black women were hard work and not easy. The other dude just doesn’t find black women attractive. He likes mixed features. I know, I despair.

Black women can’t be the only ones in the struggle. The war includes us all. So why are we now the enemy?

And Dating?

Let me be clear to you that no woman is that easy long term. Trust me. And I know you don’t want to go through a Krypton Factor assault course of dating but know that you are being assessed on your suitability from the first swipe. From security and commitment to baggage etc, we judge. It’s what dating is. A long, drawn out interview with spark potential. The search for chemistry that won’t explode and kill you.

So on top of the typical is he safe questions that all women have to ask themselves there are additional questions that I ask.

  1. Is he fetishizing my blackness or body because he’s a KarKrash Kym Fan?
  2. Are there signs of internal self hate despite his black skin?
  3. Is he politically ‘woke’ and aware or more oblivious to what’s happening because he’s got money?
  4. Will he support me when it comes to the crunch or will he pander to society?
  5. Can I raise conscious children with this dude?

If the answer to any of these aren’t right then the chances are you’re not the one and you need to move on Boo Boo and leave me to find someone that is. I’m not advocating hotepery as nobody needs all that but I’m advocating a relationship where one person feels safe enough to be their full black selves without censure. A relationship should be a safe space and, many black women don’t feel physically or emotionally safe. Sadly not even when they’re with a black man. Now that’s not to say there aren’t good brothers out there but, you need to be prepared that initially it’s not going to be as easy as slipping into the DMs and between the sheets of someone who doesn’t see colour or doesn’t require more from you than the basics. A dick.

Multiple Voices

Don’t worry, I know you don’t come on here for my rants about systemic racism. I know that the #WorkWoes are amplified by institutional issues and yet we have learned to wrap the solution into a Diversity and Inclusion package and see it as some other department’s problem. Oh I’m ranting again. I’ll stop but, this is a call to action. You need to know that black women are in pain and your response to that will determine how that changes.  

Let me be clear that whilst many of you enjoy ‘black’ creativity your censure or silence in political matters makes you complicit. So my humble advice is to check your privilege and biases before engaging black women on or offline with your opinions on what they should be doing. We are tired and don’t have the energy to mansplain our blackness to you anymore.

That’s it from me and, happy Heritage day South Africans. We still have so much work to do.

© Chelsea Black ® 2020 (Covid Era)

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