5 signs that he’s Bad in Bed
So an old school friend called me and we got onto the subject of dating and sex. She described a scenario with a recent Bumble guy as ‘epic sex’ whilst, after more details I concluded he was bad in bed. She gasped. I filed my nails and then I went in. It was a bad work day, what I can say?
She talked of the 4 orgasms like they were gifts from god. Turns out that was his score and hers was 2. And his erection wasn’t controlled and …So then of course I had to break it down and come up with these 5 signs that he’s bad in bed.
1. Quick to cum
She boasted of an epic night which involved 4 orgasms for him but, each time he only lasted 30 seconds? He then said he was really sensitive. I told my friend that I’ m really sensitive to hearing about a man in his late 30s who can’t control his erection. I mean, quick draw on the first round is acceptable and somewhat complimentary to the other person. But 4 times? I had one of these before and put it down to his arrogance. He was an estate agent with a sports car and disappeared almost as quickly as his erection after a night of what I SHOULD have described as epic sex apparently but was just a night of confusing stop and starts.
2. Selfish
This dude wasn’t selfish as he ‘gave’ her 2 oral orgasms. I maintain that these weren’t a selfless act as he had to be down there that long as he was all about his recovery time and also about making sure that he wasn’t exposed as unable to last for more than 30 seconds at a time?
Being selfish is the ultimate sin in sex. (violence and abuse aside of course) You need to think about the other person or get yourself a doll or pill. Masturbation is for the selfish. Once you are no longer alone in the room, including virtually, you need to think about the other person and give of yourself for their pleasure. Not just donate your tongue to cover up for your flops (pun intended.)
3. The Adventure seeker
I’m all for mixing it up and keeping things interesting but the old 3sum and fetish fuckeries can be a cover up for a lack of basic sex skill. Can’t get turned on or get off on anything but exhibitionism or the thought of a third because he needs to bring excitement into proceedings. Let’s be clear Fam, nobody likes a pillow princess but, you need to be able to get both parties off without all the bells and whistles. Or props. Like seriously what’s with all the sex toys. Use what the good Lord blessed you with! Just one to watch out for. Without all of the drama and fanfare are they just a mediocre or bad lay in disguise?
4. Porn fucks and quotes
Regulars will know that this is a pet peeve of mine. I don’t do drugs so I can’t be fucked like a porn star for hours. I beg you stop watching studio porn! And I’m not a pretzel. Sto bending me into shapes that I’m not meant to be in. And I don’t even get me started on the porn talk. I mean, ad lib Fam. Everyone knows that porn is inevitably poorly scripted so why are you reciting lines from Justin Slayer or Mr Marcus like they’re yours? They’re not! And you can’t deliver them as well as breathe. Use your intuition. Be honest about what you’re feeling or want but don’t quote porn.
5. Is intimacy avoidant
Those that can’t emotionally connect during sex and just fuck must just declare this and leave the rest of us alone. A fuckbuddy situation is fine but if you’re supposedly in love with the person but can only fuck then you’re going to be bad in bed. You’ve only got one channel and that’s to fuck. You can’t switch it up? Nah. Keep it moving.
So yes happy shagging out there but please, before you share your epic sex tales, review and see if they are any of the above. Because nobody deserves to be with anyone who is bad in bed. You could always offer to teach them to be better but, remember the ego especially of certain genders may not accept your analysis of their technique. Enjoy!
© Chelsea Black® 2020 Covid Era Chronicles
