Why Nice Guys Are Dicks

Why Nice guys are dicks

If a dude calls himself a nice guy or one of the good guys the chances are he’s a dick looking to get laid. I know it sounds harsh to your sensitive ears but, self-proclaimed nice guys are dicks who either haven’t been caught out yet or haven’t had the opportunity to demonstrate their full dickishness.. Trust me, in a way a wasteman or fuckboi is easier to manage. They aren’t hiding who they are and you get to choose how you deal with them early. These lot are sneakier.

The key issue is the unresolved and boiling rage in nice guys. Why haven’t you rewarded their niceness by jumping on their dicks like a good little woman? Why are you still chasing the dude who has no time for you? And how dare you put them in the friendzone when they want to be so much more? They make time to listen to your woes. Blah Blah Blah.

But that’s just it. Nobody wants to be with someone who isn’t genuinely themselves. I’d rather the arsehole who is grumpy than the nice guy who wants to angry fuck. Angry fuck not because he’s angry at me but all women for not loving him enough. Whatever dudes.  

Here are just a few examples to look out for :

The newly woke

Normally triggered by experiencing or witnessing injustice in his own life this one is newly political. However despite his best intentions his philosophies and ideologies haven’t been fully formed or flipped yet. He’ll talk to you in soundbites but the reality is he probably only has just realised what blackness means politically so don’t expect him to have an intersectional woken viewpoint.

The danger is that they can be angry about racial or capitalist issues but aren’t great at feminism. Some even think that the female struggle is easier. I don’t think one is easier than the other. Women are compounded by gender as well but we have advantages as were seen as less threatening in certain spaces.  

The academic

One up from the Newly Woke, the academic thinks everything is a debate he must win. He will argue that there is no evidence to support your experience as a woman. “That’s a lie, nonsense!” he will cry when you explain the female experiences you, er, experienced. That you lack a sense of humour when you don’t find certain comedians funny. That your offence at certain lyrics are born of a lack of appreciation of the nuance that is the male mind.

But he’ll understand the socio-economic issues in a small favela in Brazil and how that led to growth in underage prostitution, so he needs to support these black market economies by visiting Brazil every year. On a boys’ only trip. To help the economy.

His anger comes from his childhood. Most academics are nerds who are flourishing now but weren’t the first pick for girls back in the day. That social awkward thing you were rocking didn’t really work and now you’re bitter. Use of big words and pontificating to score points in a relationship isn’t cool. Know how you can tell a dick one? Chances are he doesn’t date smart women. He’ll date down to mask his insecurity whilst getting the trophy girl he wasn’t able to get at 17. No trust here at all.  

The Troll

Dear God, these are the worst and the pandemic has made it worse. They have no impulse control and often wish death and disease on women because they disagree with them.

Sadly they don’t understand why all the likes and hearts they bestowed upon you aren’t enough to curry favour. The messages you get which say nothing but I’m here and willing to bore you with zero chat. The Lolling. You know why? Women have a intuition about dicks. So guys who are nice to them because they want some are obvious. I watch how you judge other women online. Are you consistent in your chivalry or is there a selective niceness to you?

Nice guys usually are the most emotionally and physically abusive. A combination of a lack of impulse control, internalised rage and insecurity means you never know when they’re going to turn. Which is why they’re so high risk and therefore dicks. So next time a dude tells you he’s a nice guy ask him how and why? How is he to sex workers, ‘sluts’, overweight women? Who is is nice to exactly and why does he think it’s a badge of honour? Surely he should be such a nice guy that he doesn’t even think of it.

Of course, some of you will date them because they’re nice to you but, date with caution. Nice guys…. Well they’re dicks

© Chelsea Black 2020

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