So last night as everyone was watching a fit man being on an overweight uncle calling it Boxing, I went out with two work colleagues. What I thought would be a delightful tete a tete over Eritrean food proved to be an ambush. I was shocked by a) how terrible the food was at the restaurant and b) how these two, male, married colleagues ganged up on me about being single. It wasn’t even original! They followed the same smugly knockout as so many others before them. Married people, please stop. This is abuse.

The dance around the ring

They start off with the typical question of, ‘Do you even know what you want?’ In all of these years of dating they seriously think I don’t know what I want? I answer that yes, I know what I want and list the personality traits of FuHu (Future Hubby.)

They ignore this and tell me I can’t be superficial and go for looks. Looks weren’t on the job description? So they move onto …

The right hook

You’re clearly too picky. Why haven’t you been on a date in over 3 years? Surely there are great guys out there that you’re ignoring waiting for the one. I womansplain that ‘great’ is subjective and I give a lot of wastemen and fuckeried goats more than enough of my time. I speak, qualify and move on. Isn’t this what the single life is about? They both look at me like I just don’t get it and then start telling me how this is all my fault with…

The uppercut

One guy mansplains that when he first went onto Bumble and met his wife he was depressed and just looking for company but now look at him. On his second marriage, two kids in and hoping for more. I tell him that I don’t’ want to fix someone who’s broken or down. Why can’t I meet someone who is together? Aren’t we too old for fixer uppers?  They gang up and tell me that that’s my problem. I’m not willing to put in the hard work. All men need a woman that will [I think I phased out here so didn’t listen to their appeals on behalf of all mankind and their idle, dating ways.]

The cross

But then he says he may have someone for me. His only worry is that I’ll fall in love with him. A whole me? I ask why and he says because he’s a good looking guy and intelligent and raised his children and [Again I phased out because there is nothing like a man waxing lyrical about his boy to send me off to wondering what snacks I have at home]

He decides we are going to arrange a meet in a couple of weeks, and I’m instructed to come to his office the next time he’s visiting. Not subtle at all then. Satisfied that he’s now fixed the problem that is me and my singleness we get back to the most atrociously burned Eritrean food I’ve ever had.

The Referee intervenes

We go to meet his wife and go for a drink to drown the taste of charcoaled, dry food and he again mentions his friend. His wife looks at him shocked and she asks me if I have an upper age limit and I say I’m not ageist. I just want someone fun and confident and, she gives me the international look of sisterhood and says, ‘I wouldn’t have put the two of you together?’

Her husband is insistent that we will get on and despite the fact that his dude has grown up kids he may be my one. He’s intelligent and good looking after all. I say nothing and try to look enthusiastic about the potential of a hook up.   

The knock out

I get in after 1am and something tells me to look up this man. Maybe I’m assuming the worst and he’s going to be the sort of man who will restore my faith in friends hooking you up and… What I’m greeted with is a photo of black Santa. This man was there when WW2 ended. This man came over in Windrush. This man has existed longer than my parents. And he’s a Leo? I’m sure he was cute in the 60s.   Oh, HELL NO! This one is waiting on his pension and his grandkids to come around. He’s not looking for me.

Not down for the count

But, despite the worlds fear of single women and their need to see us coupled up with any man, (seriously, I think any man will do according to them) I will continue to wait for someone worthy of another round. I’m not down for the count Fuck this shit. . I’m not here for this married multiple times, it’s your fault you’re single advice. Steve Harvey you’re not! Nah, instead I’m going to read a romance and pretend last night didn’t happen! I also need something decent to eat. Let me see what time Nandos is open.

Enjoy your Sunday my Precious x

© Chelsea Black 2019