The Eyebrow Networker

So the other day I was at a business network when I was approached by a woman I vaguely knew. This was one of those three day ra ra ra events where you are instructed to dance after the break and people mention Tony Robinson like he’s a close personal friend when really they’ve bought his DVDS . We were told to rush back in when ‘Eye of the Tiger’ started because that was the cue that things were about to start again. Another 90 minutes of being told how to run a business with no work whatsoever and no real advice. I was already annoyed at having to turn to the person next to me and tell them that they were amazing. Seriously she wasn’t amazing and as she told me more and more about her business I got less and less willing to high 5 and lie to her face. She was never going to be a millionaire. EVER!

I really don’t know why I go to these events as I don’t really enjoy charismatic churches but I do find they generate ideas so I write them off as Research and Development. Besides it’s an excuse to buy a new Paperchase note pad. These are the sorts of events where they sell from the stage and you have 7 minutes to get to the back of the room and buy a course for £4997. Oh wait! It’s not £2997. Bargain. These are the sorts of events which remind me of the waiting room at the X factor. There can only be one winner and looking at the smiley faces of those who have been to way too many of these it’s not them.

But anyway after a break and before the singing my friend brings this woman over with the most amazing eyebrows. They seemed to be drawn on with thick white board marker. At least they were black I guess. My friend asked how I was finding it all and I said something about not liking the last speaker. Apparently Eyebrows found this offensive.  We hadn’t even been introduced and she broke into a tirade about how fabulous the speaker was. I told her clearly that the speaker couldn’t be doing that well as his suit was ill fitting and cheap. I wanted to say that despite the photos of his car, his famous friends and his house the suit had more than a whiff of Primani. But then I looked at her and she stunk of New Look so clearly this wasn’t my crowd. And wasn’t that an Oyster card sticking out of his back pocket? (OK I made this up but by this time the man had gone to the back of the room to sell).

Eye brows glared at me. I did my best not to glare back as the eye brows were awfully distracting. Someone, sensing a diva stand-off asked her what she had enjoyed today at which she broke off and said she was a web designer and started handing out cards. What? Nonsensical business card moments? I hate these networkers who shoe horn in a card opportunity. (Not me of course m precious. I have moo mini cards and because they are so pretty it’s criminal not to give them out to everyone I meet. Here take two)

Eye brows started to find her seat as the warm up dancing started but stopped, turned and gave me one glare. I think my African sister juju’d me because since then I’ve not been able to listen to Eye of the Tiger without getting a slight uneasy feeling.

So beware the Eyebrows girl and avoid conferences which are really religious institutions in disguise. You’ll only end up hating yourself for putting up your hand when they ask for the 47th time “Who in here is going to be a millionaire in 12 to 18 months!” YAY!!!!

© Chelsea Black

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