The birthday balloon

So the other day I was at a birthday part with my friend Linda. It was a slightly older crowd with kids so kind of like a mini wedding. These are the best kinds of parties as everyone knows someone, they’re there to celebrate and you can do a background check with relatively little work. I know my precious but the trust issues run deep.

I wasn’t expecting to see anything worthy of a blog there. It tends to be couples and families. A lot of the women side eye you for being there without a man but, I too was just there to celebrate a friend’s birthday. Single women aren’t pariahs. We can be invited out and behave ourselves….sometimes.

Any hoo, I was in the kitchen fixing my 3rd or 4th vodka cranberry when he came in. If this was the 90s he would have been perfection. Tall, yellow caramel, built to bang. Perfect. This man was so hot he made me squint and I couldn’t help but get a little glisteny as he hugged all of the kids hello. That background check 2was going to be easier than I thought.

We caught up with him later at the drinks table again. OK, OK it was a lushy night. He was having water because he had to drive home (A car! Tick!! My taxi bill is getting unmanageable). He dropped in how he was family and then…..the change happened.

Like the incredible hulk he started talking about the mother of his kids. How for years he had to take her to court for this or that. Excuse me? Did we know this guy though? Is this a new flirting technique that the baby daddies think will work?

So here’s the deal: No matter how crazy your ex is, they are your ex. You chose them. You then proceeded to have children with them. Not one but 3 times. I asked him when she changed and he said not long after the 1st one. And yet he had 2 more? Huh?

As he went on and on about their court battles and how it was affecting him my body got stone dry. No amount of vodka cranberry was going to get me moist. This man was basically still in a relationship with his ex. They had just replaced sex with litigation. And the air of expectation left my body.  argue-460

He did ask if either of us had kids and indicated that he would have more himself but I thought, who would want to deal with that kind of toxicity? It can’t be healthy for anyone involved least of all the kids. There was way too much emotion involved in this situation. It all sounded like tantric foreplay without the smug satisfaction.

And with these words I implore the single men out there to seek help. Talk to a professional not to single women at parties about the shit that’s going on. Resolve it. Learn how to handle it or not to handle it but don’t, and I mean really, don’t lead with that shit and think anyone will be wanted to go home with you that night. It’s pillow talk not pillow therapy. Give your penis a fighting chance to find a warm place to lay his head that night. Don’t allow a birthday party moment to delate like a balloon.

Needless to say I didn’t flirt or smile with my eyes. I just wanted to go home and call my daddy and tell him how much I loved him. Hey ho!

Father and daughter indoors playing and smilingHappy Hunting!

© Chelsea Black 2015


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