The 8 stages of crushing

Hi, My name is Chelsea Black and, I’m a crusher

So as some of you know I’m a serial crusher. I crush, I’m in love and then suddenly I’m over it. That’s when I noticed that there is a pattern to crushing. One that in parts is healthy and in certain stages is pure, unadulterated madness. The best parts. So here’s my baby steps guide to crushing

  1. Identify a suitable crush. They need to have something that you desire. Talent is my big crushing focus. Some may be broad shoulders or a kindness. Beware the physical crush as, let’s face it, looks go. That said most crushes don’t last long enough for you to see a whole look phase come and go. Unless it’s David Beckham. Then you’re fucked.


  1. It’s best if said crush is somewhat unobtainable. Otherwise, they are just a person you like and are likely to get. Few crushes turn into more. A crush mustn’t be too easy. You need the angst to bring you to the brinks of madness. I might suggest to you that the person be a long distance away or so clever with their words that you find yourself battling to sound witty back.


  1. You need access to said crush. THANK YOU SOCIAL MEDIA . Now we can avoid that thing of trying to anticipate where they’re going to be and casually hang about. Crushers don’t do casual. We are easily stopped by the slightly rosy cheeks and giggles. *flashbacks of walking past Dewhursts Butchers in St. Albans 30 times each Saturday to catch a glimpse of the moody brooding Saturday boy*


Work crushes are perfect for this as of course you have constant access but I find this one too stressful. You have to look good every day in case you bump into him at the elevators and you can’t have a bad hair day. The pressure is immense! Best you stick to someone who is online, a friend of a friend or likely to be at some of the same events as you. That way you can prep but still be surprised.


  1. You need tokeep-calm-i-got-a-crush-on-you put in the time. Know everything there is to know about your crush. Don’t be the last to comment on a post or favourite a tweet. They need to feel your presence without it being creepy. Ok it is creepy and you just have to accept that you have entered the surreal part of crushing. This is the part where you think your day dreams are going to come true and you start to talk to them when you’re alone. You think you know how they think and you script huge parts of conversations. Accept this phase as normal. We all have imaginary  friends of kids. Your crush is yours. Just with more sex involved hopefully.


  1. You must talk about them incessantly until your friends hold an intervention. If you don’t then you’re clearly not committed to the imaginary relationship in your head. Amateur. But a true crusher won’t listen and will carry on regardless because they believe in a thing called love. What do their friends know? They’re all single too.


  1. At this point you will be emboldened by your fantasies and try something stupid like telling your crush how you feel. Hold back if you can as nothing good can come of it. They are a crush to keep your mind busy and not for actual consumption.

    This is the beginning of the end so congratulate yourself. Once you have admitted it to Crush and they’ve responded with some mumbled excuse you will start to feel disappointment. After all the two of you have had a relationship in your head for at least 2 weeks now. It’s almost real and they don’t GET IT!?!? They’re clearly not all there. How can you be with someone with such poor taste?


  1. I try to avoid talking to my crushes as the disappointment gets more and more intense. They are likely to say something stupid in an attempt to sound intelligent and you will realise that they are but a mere mortal. You start getting irrationally angry with your crush and they don’t understand why you storm off at the slightest thing muttering under your breath. It’s because they are not following the script you never sent them. You almost feel sorry for thcrush 2015em but, no, they must live up to the ideal you have in your head otherwise it’s destined for failure.


  1. The death of said crush is like energy; it never really dies it is merely transferred onto something or someone else. In my case chocolate but for some of you it might be sex. Beware this stage as naturally it can mean waking up in some stranger’s bed wondering why you were calling you by your crush’s name. But the good news is that you are cured and ready to date anyone you want to. Congratulations


But not my latest crush my precious. This one is different. I can feel it. Yep! I’m at stage 4

Happy crushing !!

© Chelsea Black


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