So I watched with a somewhat wry amusement at the panic buying of petrol in London. I don’t have a car and don’t go anywhere so, boom, I’m fine. I don’t even order take out so I wouldn’t be affected. Not like the Nandos chicken crisis of 2021 or the toilet paper / pasta bulk buy of 2020. I was safe from the madness, right? Alas, I was not to be safe from the madness of the English.
Today I went to the Supermarket to get my weekly provisions of Gluten Free (GF) foods. There was a point in 2020 where even the GF shelves were bare but we’ve recovered. Weirdly, the fridges were pretty empty. There were two packets of chicken dippers left. Normally I’d pop two into my bag but being quasi socialist I thought it best to leave one for the next person. I know! I’m all heart.
The theft occurs
As I dip back into the fridge Becky with the Greasy hair comes over and picks up the last one. You’re welcome B*! I reach for the sausage rolls and fishfingers (don’t judge me! This is lunchtime a la video calls now) and, as I turn I see her go into my bag for the OTHER bag of chicken dippers. Is there honour among Gluten Freers?
Enraged I scream, “What the FUCK do you think you’re doing!” and make to grab them back. She says something about thinking my bag (I don’t use baskets anymore) was deserted and with a strength from centuries of entitlement and cheating holds onto the dippers.
Calling on my past
At first my instinct was to fight back. Call upon my Zulu and Sepedi heritage. Rely on the muscle memory of 15 years of fighting to get on commuter tubes and trains. Go back to my footballer days of defending what’s mine by any means necessary. And of course, the indignation of watching someone steal from me with no remorse.
Is it worth it though Fam?
But then I thought, hang on here Chelsea, they’re just chicken dippers. She’s clearly not skipping any meals (no fat shame) and may need them more than you do. Be generous of spirit. You could easily come back another day when the fridge is restocked and get some more. Think of it as an opportunity for exercise. Right? Be the bigger person here.
Needless to say I went home with the chicken dippers. There was near bloodshed and she tried to make out that I was attacking her as I wrestled the stolen chicken dippers out of her unmoisturised hands using my elbows to hold her in place. We both huffed and puffed for seconds like we were in a boxing ring. I really need to get fit!
But what she doesn’t know is that today was not her day and I was not the one. The Supermarket’s staff just walked past us like, whatever Becky. You tried it and lost and I thank them for that.
So yes, be woke out there people. The supermarket aggression has clear started again. A combination of Brexit, Covid and a Tory government means we’re fucked and with elections next year, well hoping that people will vote for others not just what’s best for them. I don’t want to live in a world where they’re rationing out food and stuff because Becky with the Greasy Hair refuses to share and instead steals. Yeah you’re a thief Becky. May our paths never cross again. Grrrrr
In other news, guess what’s on the lunch menu for tomorrow?
© Chelsea Black® 2021