I’ve been watching way too much Court TV and there are so many women fighting over exes and shit. I don’t know if I’d bother scratching cars or getting into a cat fight. My skin scars easily. But, hear me out, if murder for breach of promise was legal (infidelity, stealing, timewasting) then …well I still have a reason I don’t murder my exes.
I know, I was surprised too!
As much as the thought of a little “accidental arson in the banana bread” may cross the mind (purely hypothetical, of course), I’ve decided not to channel my inner vigilante. And not for the reasons you’d think. No, no, I don’t need a moral compass lecture—I’ve got far more practical concerns keeping me from turning into a headline. Here are the real reasons I don’t murder my exes:
1. Prison Food Is a Crime Against Maxine my Budda Belly
Now, I don’t claim to be a Michelin-star critic, but I do know a thing or two about food. Prison food? Yeah, that’s not it. I’ve never seen a prison show where I’ve seen them season anything. So what, whilst everyone else wants drugs or a shank I need to smuggle in paprika now? I’m the type of woman who has opinions on kale, and the idea of living off some mystery meat stew situation doesn’t sit well with my soul. And let’s not even talk about the carb load—I like bread but I’m gluten free? Do they cater for fussy eaters? I refuse to let my revenge spiral turn into a gluten-filled disaster.
2. The Fashion? Absolutely Not.
I may not have fashion show tastes, but I’ve definitely got High Street standards, and let me tell you—beigey brown or orange is not the new black for me. The jumpsuit situation is a complete deal-breaker. With this arse? I’m getting flashbacks of working in McDonalds and those grey pants, fighting for their lives. Also no one should have to deal with unflattering polyester 24/7.
3. I Am Not Sharing a TV
I’m not saying I’m a TV snob, but I will say that I need my shows, my way. I don’t even watch TV but I do love a stream of an Asian Drama or 17. That’s over 16 hours! And as much as I enjoy a good true crime doc, I’m not about to fight someone over the remote with some woman who REALLY wants it. Yeah, I’ll pass on that one.
4. The Lack of Privacy—No, Thank You
I don’t even share a toilet so the whole prison roommie thing is beyond the pale. The idea of having zero personal space would drive me more insane than my ex ever did. And to be honest, I’m not here for the “roommate-from-hell” experience in real life. No thank you, ma’am.
5. Karma Has My Back, and I’m Good With That
Here’s the thing: karma is a lot better at doing her job than I’d be. I like to think she’s out there, silently plotting her cosmic justice while I sip my rosé and swipe left on Tinder. Why ruin her fun? She’s got this, and I get to stay far away from any crimes, crimes against fashion, or crimes against my peace of mind.
6. They’re Dead to Me Anyway
Look, I’ve already done the emotional funeral. My ex? Long gone, buried under layers of apathy and Beyoncé lyrics. Why waste my time plotting revenge when the best revenge is living well? Let them wonder why they haven’t heard from me while I’m off thriving. Besides, there’s nothing more satisfying than showing the world (and Instagram) that you’re unbothered and fabulous. Reminds me I need to book my next Caribbean bikini break.
So there you have it; the real reason I don’t murder my exes is my fear of prison. So the next time you feel the fire of rage bubbling up against your ex, just keep living your best life, and leave the bad jumpsuits to someone else.I can’t waste all of that imagination on a man so I may as well channel it into my writing. Make some money!
P.S. Fundamentally I’m way too lazy to full off a murder. The thinking, plotting and planning are exhausting. OK the plotting is fun but the rest? Nah, I can’t even drive so how would I smuggle a body over the border into Wales, huh?
And know that if you do manage to stay out of prison or court TV then well done! I would probably approve. Stay fabulous, stay free.
© Chelsea Black ® 2024
