My Alternative Girlfriend

I know, I know my precious. I’ve been AWOL for the longest time but with VERY good reason. Keep this between us but…I’m on the run.

Not from the law or amazingly a man, no it’s a new phenomenon for me. I’m officially in a relationship…with another girl.

It can take a while for you to realise that you are involved. Their tactics are so stealth and subtle that MI5 should recruit them. It’s only when they decide to date you without your permission that you’ll know.

Mine started off innocently enough. We met and she seemed like a sociable happy-go-lucky type of sister with ‘a life’. She was a little more conservative than me and was slightly determined and dreamy eyed about meeting a guy called ‘THEONE’ but showed no other signs.

Then, one day, I got a mysterious call from her out of the blue saying she wanted to ‘hang out’. She needed a ‘friendly’ ear. I barely knew her. Surely I wasn’t the ‘friend’ she was referring to?
“At this point I should have probed. Why didn’t I probe? Instead I envisaged a passion fruit mojito and chocolate brownies from Bar HaHa and ignored the danger signs.

Eight hours later and my life had changed irrevocably. For hours I had sat through this woman’s analysis of every single break up from the age of 16 and where she went wrong. I tried to be understanding, sympathetic and caring but I kept thinking: ‘why is she talking to me about all of this? Why aren’t we talking about me!’

The trouble is that I can really see why the men in her life may need a break from her …a permanent break. I couldn’t cope with that level of intensity when I had alcohol to distract me ,let alone sober trying to watch Match Of The Day. This is the only time I have sympathised with the other side. You gotta love her though ‘cos she is an eternal optimist. who believes that one day she will meet THEONE and live happily every after.

But then there were the late night calls of woe, the requests for ‘crazy’ girls nights out that turned into therapy sessions with the constant analysis of ‘where all the black men were’. She must be crazy asking me because if I knew I wouldn’t be sitting at home on my computer chatting to her.

So now I’m on the run. It’s ruining my social life as I avoid being online. Does this woman never sleep? She thinks I work half the week in Scotland and that I barely go out. I can’t post pictures on Facebook. It’s no way to live. Funnily enough her number is withheld so she corners me when I assume it’s a recruitment consultant. Always the same theme with a teary end.

So take care my precious as this species is growing and on the loose. Hmm… methinks my plans for a career change to life coaching might have to be put on hold.

© Chelsea Black