25 hour later on Friday at 9pm I receive the following phone call :
Him: Hey! It’s me
Me: Me? (I really need to start saving numbers)
Him: XXXX !!
Me: Ah, hello XXXX
Him: Have your guests left yet?
Me: Yes they left today
Him: Yes good so now you’re free
Me: (refuses to get into another Scandal weekend is a weekend planned argument so keep quiet)
Him: It’s funny my number isn’t in your phone. It happens to me a lot. My friend XXXX who works for the UN……….thought he was in Germany…..didn’t know it was me…..but I recognised his voice …… (this goes on for about 3 minutes as I scroll through FB and like a few random posts)
Him: So what are you doing this weekend?
Me: I’ve got plans remember?
Him: You do? What plans
Me: I’ve got something on tomorrow and then meeting up with friends on Sunday (technically any time on fb is a meetup so I’m not lying)
Him: So you don’t want to do anything with me?
Me: I’ve made plans. Maybe if you had called yesterday like you said you would I could have slotted you in (this is a blatant lie)
Him: I was being considerate and giving you more time with you guests
Him: Oh, I was hoping we could meet up.
Me: What, in Turnpike Lane?
Him: How did you know where I live? Are you stalking me?
Me: (laughing) no.
Him: Then how did you know where I live?
Me: Er, you told me on the phone last week?
Him: Oh ok (sounds relieved). I thought you were stalking me.
Me: After 5 months of no contact you think I would stalk you? (still half joking voice)
Him: Yes, women are stalkers.
Him: So I just thought I would check up on you. And I’m calling you before I call XXXX so you can see that you are the priority in my life. Isn’t that nice?
Me: I’m hardly a priority because you called me first but ok. Thanks I guess?
Him: (insistent) Yes you are! I called you first. You’re welcome.
Me: ….. ok.
Him: So I’ll call you another time. When can I call you?
Me: Whenever but if you want to make plans then know that my diary fills up pretty quickly. Maybe a week before you want to meet?
Him: Well when you are making plans you need to make plans for us.
Him: Yes, you need to arrange something for us to do.
Me: So let me get this straight. I don’t hear from you in 5 months and now you want me to arrange something for us to do? Why would I do that?
Him: Yes. Why wouldn’t you? I prioritised you with this call. You can see I’m serious!
Me: (incredulous) Are you serious?
Him: (serious voice) yes. I am. I just said that I’m serious.
Me: Ok so I’m not arranging something for ‘us’. If you want to arrange something and ask me out then fine but I’m not making plans to meet up with a relative stranger.
Him: Why not?
Me: I’ve got to go. I’m burning something (donuts don’t burn in the microwave but, whatever)
Him: I see! You’re a traditional girl. You want me to do the work.
Me: Yeah whatever.
Him: OK I understand now. You’re one of those!
Me: One of what?
Him: Those girls. You know.
Me: No, I really don’t (I think I do but I want him to say it)
Him: (laughing) You know! Hahahaha, ok Darling I’ll call you soon.
Him: (serious disingenuous voice) Yes…. darling.
And thus ends the second call from Mr Handsome. Something tells me that we would need couples therapy straight away because we can’t communicate.