I know it’s hard when men are making a move but we have to mind the gap.
I was sitting on the train (tube) yesterday trying not to breathe in the musty daytime joys of London when my journey was interrupted. Why when I’m heading to a meeting do I spot a dude trying to talk to me with his eyebrows? You know the one, someone told him that he had nice eyes circa 2005 and he’s hung onto that ever since and abuses the privilege. Yes he had nice eyes and eye brows. No need for the wiggling.
Anyhoo I did my usual ‘stare right through you’ look which I’m proud to say I’ve perfected now. You stare in between two people at the window whilst still having a sneaky peek. He’s cute but I really don’t read eyebrows?
Realising that he was going to have to do more work he started flashing his phone at me. Holding my stare I tried to figure out the significance of the phone flash. Did he want my number? Was this a phallic status system indicating to me that his penis was as big as phone or, compensating? It’s like the phone was his bone and, I dunno. It was weird.
I eventually figured out that he just wanted me to know that he had a phone and it’s probably an impressive phone but I bought a £70 nokia last year so don’t know phones. I went back to ignoring him.
Next stop is Embankment and I see him get up and walk towards me. Oh here we go. He’s going to try and sit and chat? I count the stops and it’s another one to Temple where I’m getting off (no pun.)
As he approaches, he stumbles and nearly falls on top of me (bloody District and Circle line.) I try to look indignant whilst keeping a straight face. He rectifies himself leans in and says, “Can you do me a favour and get off the train at Embankment with me?”
Me: Huh? Why would I do that?
Phone Bone: Because I want to get to know you innit!
Me : But we were on the same tube for 5 stops. Why didn’t you talk before?
Phone Bone: [huffily] Look, we are at Embankment now. Are you getting off or not?
Me : Nah. Im’ not
Phone Bone: Ras! I’m just trying to show you a little love and you’re being all stoosh?
Me: Yes. Please don’t miss your stop.
Phone Bone: Women like you think you’re too nice but you’re not all that.
Me: So why were trying to talk to me then?
A middle age man in a suit opposite openly chuckles, enjoying the interaction.
Phone Bones exits throwing me growly looks. I know I’m meant to be upset at this exchange but as I make eye contact with middle age man in a suit I know I made the right decision. He nods subtly and endorses my decision to stay put. Thanks Uncle?
The questions are thus:
1. Are men really expecting me to disrupt a whole journey because he wants to talk on the platform? With a whole stranger whose only salvageable feature are his eyes? Ted Bundy had nice eyes. I don’t think most women would risk it thanks
2. Am I supposed to be grateful that he showed me unsolicited attention? Are there women all over London who would would have stepped off the train to talk to some eyebrows? Please reveal yourselves and help me understand this phenomenon.
3. Are there certain phones that women find particularly impressive? If so how would I spot this with my shortsightedness and complete disinterest in phones? Please advise.
If anyone can answer these and any other of the why are some men like this questions I’d really appreciate your insight. There are clearly some gaps in my tube flirt knowledge and I don’t want to be the last woman to understand the new rules of engagement.
Also, guys, if you want to talk to someone on the tube, maybe start when they get on the train and not when you’re about to get off? (No PUN!)
© Chelsea Black 2020