Lets be friends

A is for Acrimonious vs Amicable

My last A ties in with my first B. Breakups. When the decision is ours the question for all women is not whether or not you should break up with the person but should it be Acrimonious or Amicable. My rule of thumb is that if he is of no value apart from in the bedroom then it doesn’t even warrant trying to be amicable. If he is really handy with a power drill you may want to keep him around.

Now, for a long time I believed that all relationships had to have amicable endings. We as women are raised to be nice to everybody and give them a second, third and fourth chance because clearly they have issues if they are behaving badly. So I would orchestrate breakups in such a way as to trick myself into believing that surely if I had spent so many hours, days, weeks, months, years with a person there had to be something redeeming about them, right? But sometimes, there really isn’t. An arse is an arse and shouldn’t be called friend or any other name.

So they would give me some BS about the girl who was constantly LOLLing on his twitter and posting raunchy photos was just an old school friend. Dude, you went to an all-boys school. I’ll do anything to avoid the desperate lies.

The problem with the amicable breakup is that it can be abused. Now the person thinks that because you are friends you are there as a free therapist. I listened as a man who could barely get it up regaled me with stories of long nights of lovemaking with his now wife. Or the one who asked me to help him seduce some unsuspecting woman who really was the one. 2 weeks before that was me.

But then last year I had an epiphany. I was never going for a soap drama type breakup ( I always look at the smashed plates and think, who is going to clean up the mess?) but that didn’t mean I had to be nice to the buggers either. Besides, I could use the hours of free counselling to find the next one.

So when I was cancelled on for a poorly dog I told him to go F*ck himself he wouldn’t hear from me again. Or the one guy who thought that I wanted to read and comment on his new book. Er, no! That’s what editors are for. It’s straight into the acrimonious pile for you.

Oh and those guys who casually call 3 weeks to 6 months after a date when they’ve stopped shagging their other options? Lose those digits. Most men can’t multitask without being obvious.

I’m not advocating drama my precious. I know it looks muchos fun and “Waiting to exhale” gave me some great ideas but, we’re too good for that. I’m talking about just saying enough to this crap treatment and I don’t have to be friends with you so that you can feel better about being an arsehole.

Yes that’s it. I think I’m done with the As in the A-Sexy Etiquette Guide. Next week….Bs!!! Can you guess what they are yet?

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

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