How to Netflix and Chill

Netflix and Chill is now a thing.

Brothers, my brothers. I know that times have been hard. I sympathise. We’ve gone through another recession and a Conservative government but, why does dating have to suffer? Why are we all being punished for the decisions of politicians and the limitless options tinder has given you? I beg we reconsider the Netflix and Chill date. This is simply a rebrand of the DVD and takeaway date of 2008-12 but, still essentially the same thing. You invite a woman over so that you don’t have to travel, spend any money and you have easy access to a bedroom. We get it. For some dating is all about the sex. But, lie to us at least until date three when we can convince ourselves you’re not a psycho.

I don’t find the ‘come on over date’ particularly attractive. Apart from the huge safety risk there are a number of key problems that are hard to circumvent. Dating shouldn’t be an assault course of potential problems in the early days. Let’s take a closer look.

Setting the scene

Netflix and chill is code for watching a random film whilst dude tries to figure out a way of getting a woman naked and sexed up. The woman is sitting there trying to decide if he’s matching underwear worthy or if she should save it for a date next week. This is a delicate balance as one wrong comment on how UKIP has some valid policies and the night could end prematurely for both of you. So say as little as possible. This is where décor, snacks and what you watch become important. Trust me guys, this can be the difference between a lacklustre hug, snog or you breaking out that spare toothbrush you’ve been saving for that surprise overnight guest. Always aim for the tooth brush even if you are going to put her in a cab later.

Décor

Ok so a bit of a bachelor mess can be charming. Stepping into a hoarder’s paradise however is likely to get her to call social services. I’m not suggesting that you hire in a cleaner but, at least make sure that the lounge, bedroom and kitchen are accessible without danger of disease or injury. Soft lighting will also help you with your playstation / xbox / wii (wait, is this the same thing? I have no idea) focus and hide any dirty so don’t be afraid to break out the candles. It hides the dust.

Food

I’ve had guys telling me that they’re going to feed me and I get there to find that their idea of food is Saturday morning snacks in between cartoons. I’m not expecting an African or Caribbean feast and certainly not dessert but a tin of sweet corn or some dry looking Jacobs crackers tell me that you didn’t prepare for this. Thank goodness we have Just Eat et al on speed dial! I say no food isn’t going to work for less. You need something to smooth over the awkward silences when the onscreen couple are kissing and you haven’t yet. Food is foreplay. Splash out on Doritos and dip!

The film

I don’t have a television. My current knowledge of TV shows comes from social media and the curiosity that may lead me to google and watch stuff. So getting me over to watch an episode of your favourite sci fi programme is not the one. Getting me over to watch a Nollywood film which is half way through is also dodgy. Even with porn, I’m going to want to know the backstory. What motivates her, gives her a reason to dress up like a slutty school girl and go door to door selling cookies to apparently new neighbours. All of this is super important! You’re trying to seduce a woman so maybe think about what she wants to watch too. Nobody wants to sit there watching a box set with you unless they’re into it too. And there is the risk that she may just fall asleep. Nothing worse than turning around to find she’s passed out from boredom. Try harder.

The kiss

Is this High school? What’s with the creeping arm over the sofa ? If you want to kiss her, kiss her. Stop with the friendzone ‘will I won’t I’ crap. If she’s there and she’s sat through your mess, bad snacks and dodgy favourite show then you can take it as read that she likes you. But, and I ask this with respect, don’t just get naked and hope that she’s going to hop right on it. Seduction is more subtle than that

If you’re going to Netflix and Chill, do it properly. Don’t cheapen what is already a cheap date.

Right, I’m off to find me some matching underwear . You never know my precious!

© Chelsea Black