This is a kind of throw back Thursday blog. I mean we are going waaaaay back in time. But yes, when it comes to Ex-Hubby or ExHu finding his new wife aka Little Miss New Boobs (or Little Boobs when I’m feeling particularly petty) I take full credit.
How it ended
Whilst we had divorced I hadn’t found my new home yet so ExHu and I lives together for nearly a year. We still attended events together and planned housy stuff. You might think that this is the most horrendous ending to a marriage but it was cathartic. We were best friends so had no issues living together. We liked each other as people. Just not as lovers. He liked to cook and clean and I liked to eat and make a mess. On some levels we really were well matched.
Then I started dating and he decided that he was ready to do the same. I went the conventional route of going out and meeting people in bars and clubs whereas he chose the internet and dating events. Choosing your dating model is so key and a whole other blog. If I’ve learned one thing is that if you feel uncomfortable doing it then, don’t do it.
How they began
So one of the things ExHu stumbled upon was speed dating. He liked it as he could drink and laugh in a safe environment without being stuck with someone he didn’t like. He came home and I asked him how it went. Luckily for him he wasn’t ugly but he hadn’t really connected with anyone. I asked him about the women he had met and he hardly knew anything about them. After years of living with me, someone with the investigative skills of a Mrs Mangle (that’s a Neighbours reference for those who have never seen the Australian soap) then surely he knew how to ask questions? Apparently not. He’d stuck to what they did and probably spent more time talking about himself.
The problem
So I quickly ascertained that this man had never learned to ask questions. He had never needed to because he had been married to an extrovert. When I asked him about these women he relied on sensory and physical attributes instead of actual personality. This wasn’t good. And so we sat down and wrote down key questions that he needed answering. Not many but enough that he could determine if they were worth ticking yes to. Putting notes down that she smelled nice or that he top looked like one his mum had simply wasn’t enough
He went on the second speed dating event and did better. He actually knew more about the individuals but needed to incorporate the questions into open ended conversation starters.
The key
Then on the 3rd event he struck gold and met Little Miss New Boobs. He had become so relaxed with the questioning that it felt like conversation. I remember the excitement when he came home and told me about Little Boobs. Yep, they sounded perfect for each other. 6 months later I finally moved out of the house and 4 months after that they were married.
Ask qualifying questions! There is no point wasting time with someone you can’t get with because you have fundamental value differences. But ask questions conversationally. Don’t interview people. Nobody feels relaxed in an interview.
Identifying dealbreakers is so important and saves you so much time wasting. I could never get with someone who voted Leave AND still thought they made the best decision. Or a man who rates R Kelly, Boris Johnson or anyone else I have no time for as one of their heroes. I’ve had to waive on Michael Jackson and John Barnes as too many of the men I date grew up idolising them but, I still side eye them hard. (MJ fans, leave me alone I beg) .
Many women complain that they went on a date and he didn’t seem interested in them or that he talked at them the whole time. This is so often the case when someone is nervous or trying to over sell themselves. The dating market is competitive. So no matter how you decide to date, ask about the other person. Questions not only make the other person feel better but they give you the information that you seek / want.
Happy Dating!
© Chelsea Black® 2022
